We easily think of encouraging our children to be generous and to share. We try to teach them to be kind. But what about other virtues necessary for sanctity? We're not raising mere "good" people after all, but saints!
For this is the Will of God: Your sanctification. (1 Thessalonians 4:3)
If this is God's will for us, it is God's Will for our children too.
The virtue I'd like to focus on in this post is detachment.
When people think of detachment, I think many have a misunderstanding of what this means. I think most associate its meaning with modern psychology's definition: An emotionless void. A state of being in which one has no affections or feelings. Yet the detachment I am speaking of is not indifferentism to passion. It is not isolating oneself and "running away from life."
No. We are speaking of detachment in the context of Christianity and the Christian tradition, not modern pop psychology.
St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila had much to say about detachment. And we should listen to them, being that they are Doctors of the Church, particularly in regards to the spiritual life.
Detachment is the virtue of putting things in their proper order in relation to God. All of creation is good. All people are good. But our enjoyment and relationship to these things should only be in so much as it leads us to God. In fact, our enjoyment of the things we do and have should lead us to glorify and thank God at the least. To grow in holiness and union with God, the mortification of our desires is necessary because they tend to lead to attachments if they are not mortified and "kept in check." Attachments are an obstacle to union with God.
St. John of the Cross uses this example in helping us to understand how attachments
hold our souls back from flying free to God:
...a bird is tethered to the earth whether with a small string or with a large rope...
Can a bird truly fly free into the vast, blue sky when it has a string attached to it? It may be able to fly a bit, but it can't go very far. Just the same, the soul cannot truly fly free in the vastness of God's love and Being when she is tied down to earthly things.
When we fail to practice mastery over our attachments, St. John of the Cross indicates that an attachment will occur through any of these ways:
1. When we use the thing in excess of our needs
2. For purposes other than which they were intended
3. As ends rather than a means to a legitimate end
I will share an example that stuck with me from Father Thomas Dubay's book Happy are You Poor. He shared that often we eat to excess (especially in our society). Food is good. The Lord gave it to us to nourish our bodies. We need to eat. But how often do we fail to mortify our attachments to the pleasureable tastes of food we may like, but aren't necessary? (I'm thinking caramel latte here...). The virtue of detachment is not an easy one to practice (at least not to me). It especially does not help that we live in a culture of unchecked passions and desires, a hedonistic culture that lives for self-pleasure. Detachment is a heroic virtue in our times. But it is possible through patience with ourselves and God's grace.
Teaching this to our children
We can begin cultivating this virtue by reminding our children that we won't have our toys and clothes and things forever; the most important thing to do is live for God: (in a loving and tender tone) "That's a fun toy! But we shouldn't be selfish and possessive of it. We will not have the these things forever; in fact, one day, it will all become dust! Poof! The only thing we can bring to heaven is our soul and the virtues that fill it. Jesus wants us to build up our treasures not here on earth, but in heaven, by filling our soul with His grace and being virtuous. Every time you do something to please God, you build up treasures in heaven!" (Something like that...)
Our Lord said:
Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and decay destroy, and thieves break in and steal. But store up treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor decay destroys, nor thieves break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be. (Matthew 6:19-21)
In the book, Zelie Martin, the Mother of the Little Flower, Celine Martin (St. Therese of Lisieux's sister) shares something that Sister Marie-Dosithee observed of their mother in teaching them. Sister Marie-Dosithee writes:
As for little Pauline, when her sisters want to take her things, her mother tells her: "Give it away, my little girl, and you'll have another pearl in your crown!" Pauline then gives in immediately.
How often do mothers of young children hear the words, "I'm hungry" when you just fed them a good lunch a half hour ago? Or, "I want a snack" when you just gave them one not too long ago? It is definitely important to keep our children well-nourished with adequate food and healthy food at that. And it helps to schedule in quick snack times between meals. But a lot of times, these words are chimed just because it's what they want; it's beyond necessity. So teaching detachment to children can take another form with food: "We eat to keep our bodies healthy so we can serve God and others. But we don't need to stuff ourselves." Or, "God made your body a special little tabernacle for Him to dwell in, so you must take care of it. But it's not necessary to eat snack after snack just because we want it." Then it helps to direct their attention to something else if they don't do so themselves. Also, this wouldn't be something a parent would do every time. A treat or snack is a nice childhood enjoyment. Ice cream out with the family is wonderful. A soft pretzel or candy from the snack stand at a game is a nice thing for a child. Again, it comes down to our own parental discernment about when we can tell those little ones are becoming excessive. It's also a matter of prudence about when and how to teach the virtue all the while keeping in mind their age and ability. But I think we'd be surprised at what children are willing and capable of than we think or typically expect!
This Scripture verse is a great reminder to share with the children as to another reason we eat our food:
So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do everything for the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:31)
[Remember, as parents, we should be striving to practice the same. Our pursuit of virtue has an effect upon our children's growth in holiness and virtue and we can put up an obstacle to that due to our own neglect to cultivate our own virtue.]
Now people might think this a bit harsh, but let me give another example: If children are left to their own devices, they'll eat sugar all day long. As parents, by our authority, we need to discipline them with this desire since they are not mature enough to discipline themselves and exercise that kind of self-control. We say "no" to this or that candy and cake for the sake of ensuring a healthy intake of food that's good for their bodies. In the same breath, this is what we are doing for their souls. Detachment in this case is another form of "discipline" focused not only a healthy body, but a healthy soul.
I have a little "go-to" book that I like to read to my oldest two boys in their bed just before bedtime. This is for when I am too exhausted to do a meditative Bible reading at night! (Which can take an average of 15-20 minutes because of the different questions the kids ask). It's called My Daily Bread by the Confraternity of the Precioud Blood. I like this book because it's a simple "read-think-pray" format and yet contains the deep truths of our spiritual life and how to grow closer to the Lord. I may edit/modify words and concepts as suits their age level. Here's one I read to them, related to the virtue of detachment:
My child (Jesus' speaking), the highest goal of your life is union with Me in Heaven...in all things be sure to stay on the path which leads to heaven. Do not become too deeply interested in the passing desires and brief enjoyments of this earthly life.
I have given you everything that you are and everything you have. All things come to you from Me, the Supreme Good. Whatever comes, accept it, use it, enjoy it, as I wish and as much as I wish.
If you think only of satisfying yourself, without considering My approval, your mind becomes confused and your will becomes weak. Mistakes and sins will rob you of peace on earth and of unending happiness in Heaven...
Happy are those who desire only what I want, trying steadily to do My Will...they frequently offer their activities to Me...
Think:
...I was created for eternal happiness with God in heaven. Everything else must take second place in my life, because if I lose Heaven, I lose everything....
Pray:
My God and loving Father, grant me the wisdom to speak, think, and act each day as You want me to...Nothing on earth can bring me lasting happiness. Therefore, let me never sin for sake of anything. I want to live for the perfect happiness for which You created me. Amen.
Beautiful. It's a book worth reading and meditating upon for ourselves!
If we have children that seem to be possessive of things, or are selfish or greedy, it may indicate the need to focus on building the virtues of detachment and generosity in that child. Now, all children struggle with these things; they are born sinners and they're not made saints overnight! But sometimes in our children we might notice something that seems to be an accentuated struggle for them at a certain point in time throughout their growth; this is what I am referring to.
Detachment leads to peace
The fruit of detachment is greater joy and peace in our souls. A person who is progressing in the virtue of detachment will not become anxious when their cell phone breaks. They will not get angry when their computer malfunctions or when they lose all their iTunes music. They won't indulge their sense of taste. They won't get annoyed when their little child wakes up early from their nap (they are thus too attached to their own will and own routine whereas God seems to have a different Will for them at that moment!) There are many other examples.
Detachment is a difficult virtue in our hedonistic society and a misunderstood virtue too. We should acquire this virtue with God's grace because it is necessary for our sanctification. But thanks be to God, we can give our children the headstart by cultivating habits of detachment in them even when they're young by reminding them two things:
1. That all the things of this earth will one day pass away and become dust and therefore, should focus on our souls and building up our treasure in heaven.
2. That of the things we do have and we do, we should use them in the ways that are pleasing to God and in the ways He made them so that we may glorify the Lord and grow closer to Him.
I hope this little post helps and was explained clearly. May we struggle and strive to raise saints for our Lord! I'd love to hear ways you know of to help cultivate this virtue too so feel free to leave a comment or response.
"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it."
~ Proverbs 22:6