I've touched on doing an examination of conscience before in a post I wrote about preparing the little ones for Lent by introducing them to a particular examen. But I'd like to elaborate a little more about doing an examination of conscience with children.
First, let us remember that the Church teaches that children are not fully culpable for their sins until they reach the "age of discretion," which the Church designates is approximately seven years old.
Further:
According to the Church's command, after having attained the age of discretion, each of the faithful is bound by an obligation faithfully to confess serious sins at least once a year. Anyone who is aware of having committed a mortal sin must not receive Holy Communion, even if he experiences deep contrition, without having first received sacramental absolution, unless he has a grave reason for receiving Communion and there is no possibility of going to confession. Children must go to the sacrament of Penance before receiving Holy Communion for the first time. [CCC #1457]
The Unfathomable Mercy of God
You might typically hear people joke about the myth of "Catholic guilt." It is sad to hear the Catholic Church thrown in this light because it is far from the truth. However, guilt is a good thing - it is the sign of a living conscience. Our permissive and licentious society rejects the notion of guilt because it points to the idea that an objective right or wrong exists or because - as some modern psychologists say - it "might damage self esteem." Yet in the same breath, too much guilt or guilt about the wrong things or thrusted harshly upon vulnerable children, can be a spiritual danger which can lead one to doubt the incredible mercy of God or make them scrupulous about things which are not even sinful.
When laying the foundation for doing an examination of conscience with your children, they should already have a profound awareness of the immense love and mercy of God; they should experience this in the day-to-day within their family life. Parents should give forgiveness to their children and also ask for it from their children. Children should often see their parents on their knees asking for God's mercy and forgiveness. Children should hear their parents confessing their sins aloud to God (which is appropriate of course) and thanking Him for His great mercy and forgiveness. Children should feel the warmth and love that accompanies forgiveness by an embrace or kiss from the parent afterwards.
Perhaps during family prayers, out of humility, each family member could confess one sin they committed that day (prudently) and ask God for His grace and forgiveness. Perhaps after a parent has lost their temper at their child, they could kneel with their child afterwards and ask for theirs and God's forgiveness and thank Him for His great love and patience with them. As you go about your day, I'm sure you'll find opportunities to witness to God's forgiveness and immense mercy.
Overall, God's great love and mercy should be the foundation in which we teach our children about sin, repentance, and forgiveness. If it is not, we run the risk of giving them the notion that "God is always on the watch, waiting to strike you with lightning" or giving them the image of a "condemning God." They might for a time learn to do all the right things, but this will not inspire them to do it out of a love for God - which is what we hope to do - and at worst, they may leave the practice of our beautiful Catholic Faith. (You might have heard stories of Catholics who have left the Church because it seemed to make God "too mean" and "condemning"). Ah! Far from what true Catholicism is!
For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him might not perish but might have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him. [John 3:16-17]
Ok - so living out God's great love and mercy within our own families comes first in teaching our children anything at all about sin, repentance and forgiveness.
Ok, the examination of conscience
At night while the boys are in their beds, I typically do a little night prayer with just the two of them to start forming them (ok...to allow the Holy Spirit to do that actually!) a little more deeply in their spirituality than I could if I had the toddler and baby with me too.
Now I'm just going to jump right to the examination of conscience part of our prayer and skip over the short preparation we do for our night prayer.
First, always ask for the help of the Holy Spirit so that He may cast light on our sins.
"Come Holy Spirit, show me my sins this day so that I may ask forgiveness and experience the love of God more deeply. Come Holy Spirit..."
Then, it's helpful to use a list for typical age-appropriate sins children might commit. Usually I'll say...
"Ok, now we're going to examine our consciences so do your best to think about the ways you might have sinned today. Don't hold anything back from God because He loves you so much and wants to pour more of His love into your soul! But to do this, we have to confess our sins to make more room."
Then I proceed...
"Have I lied today or not told the whole truth by a keeping a part out... or was I honest?"
"Did I steal by taking something without asking?"
"Did I hit, push, or snatch or use my body in a way not pleasing to God... or did I use the body God gave me to serve, help and protect others?"
"Was I unkind in my words by saying mean things?"
"Was I selfish by wanting something for myself and putting myself about others... or did I make sacrifices today out of love for God?"
"Was I greedy and not thankful by not giving thanks to God for what I have or by wanting to do more or have more of something (food, toys, money time at the park...).... or was I generous by sharing or giving it away?"
"Was I distracted in my prayer or did I do my best to truly think of God and love Him in my heart as I prayed the words?" (Now, of course they're probably distracted with many things during their prayers, but this will help them understand - especially as they grow older - that true prayer is not so much about saying but loving, as St. Teresa of Avila put it, and we all know she was quite the expert on prayer!)
"Was I disobedient to my parents.... or did I cheerfully obey when I was asked to do something?"
"When I was asked to do something, did I give a hard time by whining or complaining?"
"Was I prideful by taking glory and compliments for myself... or was I humble by returning all glory to God and thanking Him for my gifts?"
"Did I participate in Mass the best I could... or was I silly and not really paying attention?"
Here is another examination of conscience for children from Peanut Butter & Grace - another excellent resource. Now as the children grow, you would obviously adapt this to fit their ages; hopefully by the time they're old enough, they'll be doing this exercise daily on their own - which is necessary for union with our Lord and growth in holiness.
I usually pause for a few seconds after each one to give them time to recall what they've done. Then...
"Ok, now tell Jesus your sins and ask Him to forgive you and to give you the grace to not do those sins anymore and make you a saint." (We're all about the saint-making business here!)
Sometimes, they'll confess outloud (which is pretty cute, I might add!). Sometimes they'll do that because I'll doit myself to set an example. You'd be surprised at the things they'll recall or in the way in which they'll recall it. Sometimes it gives me a chuckle! But their sincereity is beautiful and worthy of imitation.
After this, just in my own words, I'll lead us in praising God and thanking Him for His great mercy.
I'll give them a mental picture first...
"Now, Jesus is so happy and all of heaven is rejoicing - that you've come to ask for God's forgiveness. Just picture Jesus looking into your eyes, smiling and running toward you. Then He picks you up, wraps His arms around you and gives you a big hug and twirls you around because He is so happy you've returned to Him!" (Kids love imaginative, sensory images).
You can see Scripture written all over this mental image...
"So he got up and went back to his father. While he was still a long way off, his father caught sight of him, and was filled with compassion. He ran to his son, embraced him and kissed him." [Luke 15:20]
"I tell you, there will be rejoicing among the angels of God over one sinner who repents." [Luke 15:10]
After I give them that image, I lead them in praising God...
"Lord, we praise You. Thank You so much for pouring out your love and grace into our hearts and for wrapping your arms around us in a big hug and being so happy that we have come to ask Your forgiveness. You are so good to us Lord. I love you! We trust in Your mercy O Jesus and that with Your grace, we will become saints and do Your Holy Will!" etc.. etc... (You get the idea).
Then I encourage them: "Ok, Joseph...John-Paul, go ahead and speak in your own words to Jesus. He loves to hear you talk to Him from your heart." Then they pray and praise aloud. (It's so important to establish that connection that prayer is from the heart, especially in our Catholic faith where there are so many beautiful already-penned prayers; it can be a temptation to merely say the words rather than pray them with our hearts in union with God all the while having the freedom to break off into spontaneous and heart-felt aspirations as they stir in our souls).
...After this we move into our meditation - but that's for another day! :)
One last note...
As you do this, I do think it's also better and more helpful to close your own eyes and pray with them....rather than making it a thing you are merely leading them in. Setting a prayerful example is very important. Sometimes, it's beautiful for them to see you outstretch your hands to God or clasp them to your heart as you pray; for them - it helps them understand more clearly the reality of with Whom you are speaking: Jesus Christ. Jesus is real. He is a real Person. He is the Lord of heaven and earth with whom you are deeply in love!
What about you? How do you go about this practice with your children? Let's share and encourage one another to raise holy families for our Lord!