Well, we all have those bad days, don't we? Parents out there, you know what I'm talking about. And I'm not sure about you, but it seems for me that when these days come, there's not just one of them but a few of them grouped together. I become like....a monster. And then when that bad time passes, my monstrous side goes back into hiding...
Honestly, if there's one thing I want my children to see, it's my sincerity in trying to live a Christian life...but that doesn't translate to perfection. I want them to see I genuinely try to live out of our Faith, but even moreso, I want them to see that I'm still a sinner and because of that, I need Christ's grace and forgiveness just as much as they do.
Here's some real, uttered words from my lips from last night in fact, after I lost my temper...(P.s. - Putting eye drops in little kids are a PAIN)
"Ugh, John-Paul I'm so sorry for losing my temper....can you pray for me? I need your prayers to help me get to heaven. We all need to always pray for each other to help each other get to heaven. That's what we need to do as a family...help each other get to heaven."
(Then, after I kissed John-Paul and rose up from his bed, I glanced up and caught Joseph - who overheard our conversation - saying a prayer before his crucifix). I knew exactly what he was doing...
I had this string of a few "bad mom days" (as I call it) a week or so ago. It wasn't even 11am and the kids were having their own bad days in which crying/whining/fights were breaking out every 2-5 minutes (so it seemed...it may not have been that frequent, but every time I turned my back to tend to something else other than the children, something else would happen...) I was getting super frustrated. Often the kids heard, "Holy moly!" or "What the heck is going on today?!" or "This is ridiculous you guys!" Some yelling and gritting of teeth...a lot actually...for it only to be 11am. So then I said, "That's it! We all need to get out and the first thing we need to do it go to the adoration chapel to see Jesus because we all need Him right now." The kids piled in the car and off we went.
So we got to the chapel and at this point, I was exhausted. It was that draining, mental exhaustion one only experiences when raising children... And I wish I could say that when we entered the adoration chapel, everything all of a sudden got better, but it didn't. Joseph went to pray on his own but my other two - Teresa and John-Paul - started bothering each other and began to try to escape from the pew. Before I entered the pew (to chase them), I knelt down before the Lord and my face just fell to the ground. "Ugh, Lord...help me, please...I'm doing a horrible job and I need You."
The day...didn't get better. I got a little relief during their rest times...but then it was back to the same old craziness the rest of the day. At the end of the day, during our family night prayer, I confessed aloud my sin before them, asking God's mercy upon me and all of us for our tough day. Then I asked for their forgiveness. But it was one of those days where you pass out at 8pm right after the kids go down because you're so worn out. Actually, I remember - I passed out while they were still up and Bill got the kids to bed. One. Tired. Mama.
Yes! I've certainly had my bad days and I've had to ask forgiveness from my children more times than I'd like to admit, but thankfully my kids, young as they are, get it: I'm a sinner. (They've told me that a couple times too - haha - in a sincere way) But they know we are all sinners, themselves too, and we need God's grace. All of us. As much as I love to talk about the Lord with the kids and (do my best to) teach them the ways of virtue and prayer, one thing I don't like to do is pretend like I have it all together...because I don't. I hope my kids understand that we're in this journey toward heaven together. It's not just them learning from me, but me learning just as much from them; it's not just them asking for my help but me asking for their help.
Christ is my strength and my All and I want them to know that. God's plans are bigger than my mistakes. And when I have days like these (or several), I can do nothing but keep getting back up, asking forgiveness and for God's grace to make up and "fill in" for all the ways I myself am lacking (of which I find myself asking quite a bit...). I want my children to see this and to know that fight for heaven is real and not easy. I love the words of Pope Benedict XVI...
"The world promises you comfort, but you were not made for comfort. You were made for greatness."
Yes, we're made to be saints! (This is something I like to remind my kids!) After all...
Holiness does not consist in never having erred or sinned. Holiness increases the capacity for conversion, for repentance, for willingness to start again and, especially, for reconciliation and forgiveness. [Pope Benedict, January 2007 audience]
What's most important for me is that I want them to know what to do when they feel weak or defeated or have made a mistake and sinned. If there's one thing I hope my children remember from my raising them, I hope it's that they know they can always turn to the Lord to ask for His help and forgiveness in all things. I hope they understand that the Lord is always willing to forgive us...
"He [God] never tires of forgiving, but at times we get tired of asking for forgiveness." [Pope Francis Angelus address, March 17, 2013]
And that is the truth!
...Because even though my burning desire is for my children to fall completely in love with Christ and to be in heaven after they die, I fall utterly short sometimes in showing them the way. It's a constant and humbling reminder that my mission as a parent is not my doing but God's action through me.
So there we have it - God's plan and purpose are bigger than my stupid mistakes. Am I perfect in love? Absolutely, heck-no, not. Do I want to be? Yes! And I hope my children see that and strive for it themselves as they grow too. And I hope, most importantly, that they never tire of the fight for sanctity and holiness, no matter how many times they fail. I hope they learn that two of some of the most important things in the spiritual life are to ask God's forgiveness and to persevere.
I'll leave you with one of my absolute all-time favorite quotes ever said...
We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures; we are the sum of the Father's love for us and our real capacity to become the image of his Son.
~Pope St. John Paul II