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Writer's pictureJessica Fahy

On being your child's friend: How my perspective has changed


Last week, I got together with a very good friend of mine. She is a woman older than I whose faith and perspective I deeply admire. To get the sense of our kind of friendship, let me honestly tell you that we could easily pass hours talking about the Lord and the things of God. Various things have been on my mind, things that I wanted to hear her advice and perspective about particularly in regards to raising our children in the ways of the Lord. One thing she brought up to me (which I was intending to bring up to her) was her and her husband's desire to spend more one-on-one time with each of their children (who are the same ages as two of ours), particularly their daughter, in order to "be more like a friend to her."

Bingo.

That was something that had been on my heart lately and she had just articulated it so clearly: The need to carve out one-on-one time with Bill and I's oldest son, Joseph, who is six-and-a-half. There are often times Joey wants to talk and go on and on about rocks and fossils and his latest interests and discoveries. Sometimes I'll listen, but not in a way where I'm giving my whole self because there's a lot of other things going on in this house with other little children. Sometimes it's because of a false pressure of "needing" to do the dishes or some type of housework.

Other times, our son has a tendency to ramble on and ask all sorts of questions right after we put him into bed. I may answer a few, but then I cut it short ("Ok bud, go get some sleep...we can talk about this more tomorrow"). I will usually do this because I'm simply spent at the end of the day and I suspect (sometimes) he gets the idea that the more questions he asks, the later he can stay up (clever little guy!). Occasionally I'll let it go on for a bit because of the guilt factor.

Then finally, there are other times at night when I'll do a meditation for prayer and they'll start asking questions about God and living our faith, to which I do give my whole attention.

But, because we have four little children running around who are between one and six-and-a-half years old, I feel like I'm on my feet all day caring for them, doing damage control, peer mediation, making dinner, and cleaning the house. There's a lot of going and a lot of doing compared to stopping and "just being." It's lead me to wonder if my kids perceive me as "that busy mom." I'm sure it's just me introspecting, but, nonetheless it's made me want to be intentional about carving out individual, one-on-one time with each of them, especially as they get older.

I want my children to perceive me as approachable and available when they get older, not "busy" and half-attentive, giving off the perception that I'm not all that interested. I especially want this as they grow older and face more of life's pressing issues, especially with regards to moral choices and deeper questions they might have about life. I've realized that I need to be conscious about this now at about this age he is hitting, where he is wanting to talk more, is wanting to ask more thoughtful questions about things, and shows much enjoyment and contentment in the special attention he is getting when it's just the two of us. My thoughts have been to begin consciously laying this foundation of trustful friendship.

You see, when they're so little (like the ages of our other children), there's a lot more instructing, commanding, guiding, and teaching happening because you're basically teaching them everything about life. You're trying to build good habits in them like clearing off their plate as well as trying to be on top of your discipline and "meaning what you say" so that it paves the way for an easier relationship as they get older. Then there's time for playing too and enjoying each other as a family, but in general, their independence is a lot less because they need you - for a lot. But now that our oldest will be 7 in half a year, we (my husband and I both) are feeling the necessity to begin laying more of a foundation for friendship with Joseph that creates a relationship of openness, honesty, trust, and availability that will make him feel completely and totally comfortable and willing to come to us when things arise in his life as he grows older. We want this for all of our children, of course.

What I used to think...

This may sound silly to you, but I used to be against "trying to be your child's friend." Here's why: 1) I never thought that deeply about it until recently and 2) I had a false association as to what that meant.

When I heard about the idea of "being friends with your child," I realize I automatically used to associate it with the type of mother who can't say no to her child. Or it used to make me think of "that mom" who so desperately wants to be accepted by her child that she goes so far as to take on the latest and even perhaps immodest fashions that her teenage daughter wears. Or I used to think of that mother who condones what I call "safe sin" (there is, of course, no such thing as "safe sin" - sin is sin and sin is evil)....that mother who would help her daughter "responsibly" choose contraception or offer to host parties with alcohol at her house for her child and his underage friends so long as she could take their car keys for the night. I think you get the picture.

I used to be the type that used to think, "You're their parent not their friend..." without putting much thought into the idea that maybe, just maybe, those two things can actually co-exist and that it's not mutually exclusive.

What I now realize being a friend with your child really means...

Enter, Raising Chaste Catholic Men by Leila Miller (blogger at Little Catholic Bubble). It's a book I'm halfway through and one of the chapters is titled, "Be his parent and his friend." It's just been another confirmation of how I've been feeling about this concept lately. But I'll share her advice and thoughts since she has 8 children (5 who are boys) under her belt and way more years of experience than myself. She too, used to carry this same misconception about what "being friends" with your child meant. She had this same association with that "cool" mom.

First, she warns that there can certainly be a danger of being "too familiar" with your child...

Crossing the line into oversharing, dumping your emotional baggage, or expecting a child to take on the role of an adult or partner is inappropriate and damaging...such a familiarity is more an abdication of the parental role than a real friendship. [Raising Chaste Catholic Men, p.17]

You can also add in complaining or venting about your spouse in front of your child or to them directly. That is a terrible thing to do for your marriage and the unity of your family.

So what is this kind of real friendship? In essence, the friendship with your child is one that is rooted in virtue...

Friendship, then, is a special affection, a close relationship marked by enjoyment of each other's company, sharing things in common, having inside jokes, and a general feeling that "we like one another." True Christian friendship is grounded in a love of virtue, never a connivance in vice. [Raising Chaste Catholic Men, p. 18]

In my previous assumption of "being friends" with one's child, I had always associated it with this concept of a connivance in sin and a lack of discipline and firm parenting; I had associated it with a "slacking off" of character and moral formation in one's child in order to be liked and accepted. On to her definition of parenting, according to the Church....

Parenting...is the formation (character and moral) and education of one's children, requiring an exercise of God-given authority and a ton of confidence (fake it till you make it, ladies!). We are accountable before Almighty God for our parenting, which is our sacred vocational duty. [Raising Chaste Catholic Men, p. 19]

Then she shares her personal ideal about this balance between the two...

...My personal ideal is to be a firm and authoritative (not authoritarian) parent, and also a trustworthy, loyal and cheerful friend. In my non-expert, non-researched opinion based on personal trial and error, parenting and friendship can coexist, so long as the parenting part stays firmly in place and takes priority if there is a conflict between the two...strong, sound parenting helps facilitate a good friendship with your child. You cannot really have fun and enjoy the company of a son whom you have not parented well. When a parent is loathe to firmly parent a child for fear of making the child "feel bad," or hoping to spare the child negative emotions when correction and firmness is needed, the child becomes ill-behaved, whiny, disobedient, entitled, manipulative, and overall unlikable!...You don't want to fall into the trap of being afraid of your children and their reactions when you have to lay down the law, but you don't want your children to be afraid of you, either. To that end, we must do what was not the norm in previous generations: We must apologize easily and openly admit our mistakes... [Raising Chaste Catholic Men, p. 19]

She goes on to give some concrete examples from her own experiences and how she's learned. It's very insightful and helpful but she illustrates beautifully in this chapter this balance of parenting and friendship. On a side note, I also used to think - very early on in my parenting - that saying "sorry" to your child was a sign of weakness and vulnerability and that if you did this, you would lose all credit with them and they would walk all over you. That was wrong, as I've learned and it was also based in fear. But perhaps more on that in a another post though!

To tie this together, this is why I love our Catholic faith. It gives us a clear goal that we're all working towards in our family: Heaven. A Christian parent will help their child to Heaven, teaching them the ways of the Lord, praying with and for their children, and guiding them along the way through discipline. A Christian friendship....will do the same! (minus the discipline part) It will be one that values virtue and a common goal toward...heaven! Both friendship and parenting are beautifully and harmoniously intertwined to direct the other towards heaven.

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If we forsake our sacred duty as parents to compromise and condone sin, we have lost sight of the goal of leading our children to heaven (we may even lead them to hell!). And if we forget what true friendship is and allow one another to be built up in vices rather than virtues, again, we have lost sight of the goal of leading one another to heaven.

Yes, my son is only six and a half. But I'm glad I'm learning this now. I am hoping that

carving out one-on-one time with him at least once a month to "go for a walk" or stay up a little later than the rest of the kids, will begin that deeper friendship-building. I intend to really just let him lead our time together and in response, just give my full attention and self back. I expect I'll be listening to a lot about dinosaurs, fossils, rocks, and whatever else is on his little mind that he wants to ramble on about. And that's great. My hope and prayer is that eventually, through the years, it will create a relationship of trust and honesty and cheerfulness - even through his teen years and on. My hope is to just let our kids know that I'm here, ready to listen and be available so that we can really enjoy each other's company, no strings attached!

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