How can one know if they are in a disposition of progressing in their prayer life and spiritual growth? Father Thomas Dubay, drawing from the Gospel and the wisdom of the St. Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross gives us seven sure signs in his book Fire Within: St. Teresa of Avila, St. John of the Cross, and the Gospel - on Prayer.
Seven Signs of Authentic Prayer
1. Generosity with God.
The overall sign is totality, a complete generosity in giving God everything. With this spirit one abhors even a single venial sin; mortal sin is feared "like fire." A lukewarm attitude toward loving one's neighbor, living evangelical poverty or obeying the teaching Church are sure indicators that a person is not advancing in prayer, indeed, is most likely falling back. [p. 239]
God does not want part of us, He wants all of us - the good, the bad and the ugly. He wants everything from our sin to even our slightest attachments that serve our self-love. He wants us to hold nothing back from Him.
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind... [Luke 10:27]
A generous soul does not cling to favorable "little" sins that serve his or her's self-interest. A generous soul will seek to "die to self" in every way that they recognize they ought to - all those ways that involve our mingling and flirting with the world, the flesh and the devil and thus leave us with a divided heart. When you realize there is something you know you should give up - either out of charity toward your neighbor or to deny yourself some thing (or more importantly, some sin) for the sake of filling yourself more with God - exercise the will to obey that prompting swiftly and willingly. Generous souls are willing to "lose" all things that they may "gain" Christ (cf. Philippians 3:8).
2. Obedience.
The importance of obedience is written not scarcely in the writings of the saints; it is integral to true growth in holiness and friendship with God. St. Teresa is very matter-of-fact that even if one believes themselves to be growing in prayer yet lacking in obedience (to the teachings of the Church, for example), then it is really corrupted by self-love.
Believe me, there is no better way of acquiring this treasure [of loving fire - mystical contemplation - sent from heaven in prayer] than to dig and toil in order to get it from this mine of obedience. The more we dig, the more we shall find; and the more we submit to men, and have no other will than that of our superiors, the more completely we shall become masters of our wills and bring them into conformity with the will of God...This is the union which I desire and should like to see in you all: I do not covet for you those delectable kinds of absorption which it is possible to experience and which are given the name of union. They may amount to union if the result of them is what I have described; but if such suspension leaves behind it little obedience, and much self-will, it seems to me that it will be a union with love of self, not with the will of God. [p.239]
Fr. Thomas Dubay explains St. Teresa of Avila...
The saint mirrors here nothing other than her Master who made obedience to His Church and its leadership the sign of accepting or rejecting the eternal Father Himself (Luke 10:16). [p.239]
Simply put, if one willfully rejects any of the Church's teachings, they have put a barrier in their ability to grow in intimacy with God. It is an obstacle that must be confronted and perhaps even wrestled with in the soul. The teachings of the Church are always meant to set our souls free to love God even more.
Living in the vocation of marriage, from a wife's perspective, it is of utmost importance to learn obedience and humility in imitation of our Lady. In matters not pertaining to sin, do we follow the lead of our spouses or believe ourselves to always have a better answer? Do we contradict their words constantly, or give them advice as we would our children, or nag? If there is some valuable perspective we believe to have, of course in marriage our spouses ought to listen and we should share it. However, once clearly stated is sufficient and from there if they still don't agree, it's best to commend all our concerns to the Blessed Mother and let her take care of them rather than do things behind our spouses backs, secretively or manipulatively, going against his decision or venting about our husbands to others - something women often have a tendency to do! Even if our husbands don't pick up on this and our deed or words remain hidden from them, it only causes greater division within marriage and our disobedience also trickles down into our children and causes harm to their souls, hindering God's designs. God has created a divine order for everything, and that includes the family. Our culture is so very far removed from this idea of the obedience and submission of the wife, and our culture has twisted it to mean you just stand by his side acting like a door mat to be walked upon, which is not the case. So because our culture and even many Christians do not understand this concept within marriage, I understand if you think I am from another planet! Obedience within marriage I guess would require another post :)
But trust me, our Lady will take care of all of our requests because she wants to see her Son glorified, even within our families!
3. A strong desire for God.
A strong desire for God both in the final glory and through faith in solitude on earth is another sign of advancing prayer...One of the traits I have repeatedly encountered in men and women who have grown in contemplative prayer is a strong pull toward healthy solitude. his inclination is not at all toward a neurotic isolation, nor does it arise from a dislike of any kind of human society. Rather, this solitude is a highly altruistic turning to the supreme Other, God in whom we are united in a deeper way with all our human sisters and brothers. A moment's reflection makes us realize that a person profoundly in love desire to be alone with the beloved. So it is in advancing communion with God. [p.239]
These souls desire to dwell with God in prayer and would prefer their time thus spent so long as it does not impede the duties of their state in life and what love requires of them in that moment.
4. A desire for suffering and the Cross.
St. Teresa considers a love for the Cross as solid and certain evidence that contemplation and advancing prayer are not illusory:
I consider it quite certain that those who attain perfection do not ask the Lord to deliver them from trials, temptations, persecutions and conflicts - and that is another sure and striking sign that these favors and this contemplation which His Majesty gives them are coming from the Spirit of the Lord and are not illusions. For, as I said a little way back, perfect souls are in no way repelled by trials, but rather desire them. [p.240]
We must beg for the grace to embrace our crosses (i.e. "pick up our cross and follow Him," as the Lord says) because they conform us to Him. The desire to suffer for the Lord leads one to "...rejoice to the extent that they share in the sufferings of Christ" (cf. 1 Peter 4:13). Those who seek after pleasures and comforts will not advance in prayer and hence hinder their intimacy with God.
5. Humility.
Fr. Thomas Dubay says,
One of the specific sufferings contemplatives seek is humiliation, the sharing in Jesus' being mocked and treated as a fool in his Passion. [Quoting St. Teresa] "If they are led by the Spirit of the Lord, He will grant them humility, which will lead them to love being despised." The Master Himself had already said that it is the Father's practice to give His wisdom to the little ones and to withhold it from the proud and conceited. James [in his epistle] proclaimed that God resists the vain but gives bounteously to the humble. [p.240]
Humility is the "principle virtue to be practiced by those who pray," St. Teresa of Avila writes in her other book, The Way of Perfection. Yet how often do we feel offended when we are scoffed at, when someone rebukes us or gives us criticism! How easily we are hurt if we are forgotten. "Humility! Humility! Humility!" the saint cried. Humility will bring our hearts much peace.
6. Docility and openness to truth.
Genuine people are receptive and docile. They understand that they are personally fallible, that there is much they need to learn - especially from an authorized teacher. Vain individuals are quite the opposite, and this is one reason God leaves them to themselves. Hence, following the lead of Scripture, St. Teresa proposes docility, teachableness, as a trait of genuine prayer. [p.240]
There is always a willingness to learn and be taught, even in the humiliations and contradictions of life. While we enter into conversation with God, we can never assume to know Him and His ways perfectly and have Him "figured out"; as St. Paul says, we "look through a glass darkly" here below and our spiritual vision is obscured by our sin and our narrow perspectives. In being docile, there is always a willingness to "seek God" and be taught by Him as He speaks to us in prayer and through the circumstances in life. Souls that are docile are willing to know their defects and sins or where they err. They stand upright before God with a humble heart and ask Him, "Lord, in this such-and-such conversation/circumstance/encounter/adversity, what do you want me to learn from You?"
Thankfully, St. Teresa gives us a safeguard from error that could lead us astray outside of the realm of truth in regards to matters concerning faith and moral doctrine:
No matter how many fantasies and illusions Satan may attempt to stir up in humble people, St. Teresa tells us, "if they submit to the teaching of the Church, they need not fear...you may then be quite sure you are on a very good road." [p.241]
Just as any written document needs an interpreter so that it is understood as it was meant to be understood, so God gave us a teaching Church, the Catholic Church, to guard the authentic interpretation of Scripture. The Catholic Church makes the best and most evident case in history for being this very teaching authority Christ meant to leave and guide us with, by the power of His Holy spirit who is the "soul" of the Church.
7. A fervent determination to avoid sin.
Finally, when men and women are strongly and fervently determined to avoid all sin, they possess a "very clear sign" that their prayer is genuine...and those who endeavor in all possible ways not to offend God and strive always to further the growth of the Church show that they love authentically. [p. 241]
We ought to be careful about becoming lax about with regard to our sinful tendencies. We should always be vigilant and spiritually awake, for "the adversary the devil prowls about like a lion seeking to devour souls." Souls in love with God do everything they can on their end to avoid sinning in order to cooperate with grace in conquering their sins. They realize that at any moment they can fall and in recognizing their weakness they cling to God all the more.
They also have what the Church calls, "a firm purpose of amendment" with regards to their habitual sins. They realize their predominant faults and have a "plan of action" and resolutions to help them in fighting these obstacles (again, only possible in cooperation with God's grace) to their union with their Beloved; it is not just a vague, "I'll try better next time." Those striving for a deeper prayer and authentic prayer life are serious about what they say and take the steps necessary.
Before I wrap up, here's a recap of those seven signs of authentic prayer and spiritual growth:
1. Generosity with God
2. Obedience
3. A strong desire for God
4. A desire for suffering and the cross
5. Humility
6. Docility and openness to truth
7. A fervent determination to avoid sin
If these seven signs and dispositions mark a soul and if we strive to cultivate these with God's grace in our own souls, we can be sure we are on the path of holiness, authentic prayer and union with God!