Just as a disclaimer, I don't purposely try to make my kids bored - in case the title of this post misleads you! ;)
I'm becoming more and more convinced of the dulling effects that technology and too much busyness is having upon youth and even adults. One of those effects is not knowing how to deal with leisure time - those periods of time that end up being little "gaps" in one's day where nothing has been planned. In these periods of time, it seems our culture's initial instinct has been conditioned to immediately grab one's phone or tablet and play games, text, or browse around online. It also seems that when we do get these periods of time where nothing has been planned, we easily complain about being bored. It seems that less and less people have hobbies they enjoy doing because they're so busy. I think this is so unfortunate as people's true gifts and interests get tossed by the wayside because "there's just no time." Of course there are busy seasons and responsibilities that should never be neglected, but I also think we tend to, as a culture, overplan and overcomplicate our lives. We over-involve and over-commit. We run, run, run and do, do, do but it is very difficult for us to just stop and be. The moment we get those pauses, we get nervous, feel bored, and reach for some kind of time-filler.
We've lost the sense of leisure time. In a culture which considers being busy a highly esteemed value, the constant running here and there seems to leave us weary and dry. There is a lack of balance between work and leisure.
Underestimating children's attachment to technology
As I continue to watch our children grow and listen and read more about their development contrasted with modern parenting trends I notice, I become more and more convinced of how unnecessary it is for children to have their own screen devices and how unnecessary it is to throw our television on when it seems like they don't have much to do. Could there be benefits? Yes. They can be used for education. But I think this excuse is over-justified. I think these things, when not moderated and are grossly overused and on, have the following effects:
short-circuits a child's attention span,
dulls their creative and imaginative powers,
interferes with the connectedness of a family,
leads to behavioral issues that get misdiagnosed often as ADD and ADHD (consider reading the research of Kim John Payne M. Ed who has been a consultant, counselor and trainer for schools and families for eighteen years),
they easily lead to attachment and addiction issues to technology. (If you don't believe me about this last point, consider reading some newer studies coming out indicating actual chemical and physiological changes that are the exact same ones taking place as those who have drug and sex addictions).
I think that overall, the benefits of not entrusting children with their own personal devices far outweigh the ones that come with giving them to children (even if we as parents say they are for educational purposes). I'm not against technology, but I am seeing more and more how unnecessary it is for children to use it often (of course there may be exceptions and the use of it with right reason and purpose, such as aiding children who are dyslexic and need the use of a certain program to help them read).
Even among our own children, you see how easily the attachment develops. For example, we have a certain of season of life that happens each year due to my husband's work schedule. As a result, we may end up watching a TV show or movie together a few times a week or I'll put something on that they enjoy (they love the old Lassie classics and the classic Donald Duck cartoons, haha). But every now and then I'll do this just so I can get ready for bed peacefully (because I know if I wait until after I put them down to bed, I just may very well fall asleep right then and there!). We're completely fine with this as we always try to maintain a healthy balance of school time, reading, age-appropriate chores, and free-play throughout our day (and trying to do playdates or trips to somewhere once a week, during the day). We also keep in mind that if we watched a movie together or a documentary on construction machines, etc... (our kids love nature shows and shows about things that go!) last night or two nights in a row, then we leave it off for that night or the next couple nights. But we notice that after watching it a bit more than we normally do, they're asking for it more. That means it's time to back away and "detach" a bit from it. Just say no.
As a mom staying home with them all day, I try to always be very cognizant of the fact that these other healthy attributes of childhood (free-play, school time, reading, age-appopriate chores, etc...) far outweigh their exposure to media. We listen to music in the car sometimes, but again, a balance. Sometimes we pray in the car, sometimes it's just silence and we don't turn the radio on (this is usually when they ask a lot of questions and we get some good conversations going), sometimes it's classical music, sometimes it's an audio story and sometimes it's just Christian radio (absolutely no to pop radio). We try to make the overall atmosphere in our home and family one of peace and calm, not so much from the absence of noisy children who run and romp (which isn't happening here for a number of years!) but more from the absence of "worldly noise" - background noise of the television or radio always being on, flashy screened-devices, news stories, having every minute of the day planned out with activities, and so on.
Yet, even as children grow into adolescents, there needs to be taught the proper use of technology and what its purpose is for, rather than seeing these devices as an end in themselves in which they contain nearly their whole life and social interaction. Just go a restaurant and you'll notice that at virtually every table, you can never find even just one which cannot keep a cell phone away. If you are in a waiting area, what do you see? People involved in their cell phones. Among young adults and teens, this trend is the worst. As children grow, adolescents need to develop virtues of self-discipline, temperance, and responsibility as they possess these things.
I know of many parents who are doing just this - who don't just hand the smartphone over at 13 and say "there you go, have fun, just don't go anywhere bad on it." Some parents just use a basic phone at a certain point and gradually, as their teen grows and shows the balanced and proper use of such devices, they are given more freedoms with it. I've talked to one girl who is a freshman and paid for her own iPod. She shared with me that as her older sisters hit a certain age (16 years old), they bought their own phones, paid for their part of the plan, and were allowed to use certain privileges with it. Throughout this time they are being held accountable to their parents as their parents teach them how to use technology virtuously (with moderation, self-discipline, balance and steering clear of the impurity that's easily accessible). And today, we can see in the average young adult and teen (even adults!) just how easily their phone becomes attached to their hand....wherever they are. I honestly believe this is unhealthy for a person, much moreso a society. I think, when there's a strong attachment present with these devices, it leads to self-centeredness, a certain immaturity, and the inability to live in the present moment - among other things. And if we see how we as adults need to establish boundaries in using these devices so we are not constantly turning toward them (I know I do for myself!), then think of how overwhelmingly easy it is for a child or teenager to get attached and addicted, when they are much more underdeveloped in the virtues of temperance and self-control!
What I see some other, older mothers doing around me with technology is brilliant: They are teaching their teens to develop virtue with the use of these devices, specifically self-control and moderation, before just handing the whole cake over. I admire parents who do just this and whose teens and young adults are able to engage in social interaction and events without having to even once take out their phone. I truly believe one element of these devices parents are overlooking is the strong attachment that easily comes with them. I once listened to a program by Dr. Ray Guarendi, a Catholic psychologist and family counselor. He suggested, "If you want to know if your child is attached to the thing in an unhealthy way, take it away and see what they do. Do they just look disappointed? Or do they throw a fit and/or beg for it back?"
Why I let my kids get bored
We have all very young children right now: Our oldest turns seven in the summer, an almost-five year old, a three year old, and our youngest is eighteen months. We have a general rhythm to our days; after the two littlest children go down for their naps, I do our "cozy couch time" with my oldest two where we read poetry, a short story, and a Bible story. After we finish, they have their leisure time to do whatever they choose. This is a rather slow part to our day! It is marked by a certain calm and quiet that come over our house and the boys know their boundaries with this particular time of day: They can choose to do anything they would like but they must remain at a quiet noise level.
Of course, every now and then during this relatively calm time, someone paces around without anything in particular to do. He doesn't complain he's bored, but I can tell he has extra time on his hands that he's not sure what to do with. Every now and then one will ask, "Mom, can we watch a little TV show?" To which 99% of the time I pleasantly respond, "No." Movies and the like are almost entirely reserved for things we do as a family together, with some exceptions here and there.
Now, here's where the magic happens!
Children absolutely do not need to be entertained. They have an incredible natural, built-in, ability of their own to use their imaginations and creativity in ways we would never imagine! You just have to give them the chance to be bored.
(I believe it also helps to have a simple selection of toys, puzzles, games, crafts and the like. I think when the choices are too much, it's overwhelming and a child has a hard time choosing. I prefer to switch out our toys every so often rather than add more and more because it keeps things fresh and new and they easily gravitate to "favorites" that they enjoy playing with. Perhaps more on that in another post!)
I truly believe the modern child would find this initially painstaking at first, especially when they're used to so much stimulation and being entertained, but I think it would be liberating to their childhood and their imaginative and creative gifts, which are so important in the healthy development of young children. Creativity and imagination, and a sense of wonder and awe are a natural gift to children. But I believe the modern parenting habits of today squelch this gift by occupying children with too many pre-planned activities, too much external entertainment and stimulation (from tv, electronic devices, radio being on in the background, etc...) to the point where it takes away from a child's ability to come up with something on their own, using their creativity and imagination. I believe it also has other negative effects which I won't get into here. Often, children are exposed to this not intentionally, but simply because these are their parents' own "habits of noise."
Anyway, during this rather "slow time" of day, I've seen box airplanes being made, unique craft projects, puzzles be constructed, coloring being done, books being made (John-Paul likes to make his own books), exploration and digging happening outside, books being read, structures being built, rocks being studied, crushed and observed...and my favorite part about it: sibling and family bonding. The kids are pursuing their natural interests (and I'm learning about them!), and they're using their natural, built-in creativity and imagination through it all.
This is exactly how John-Paul's face looks when he gets lost in his imagination!
I think letting our children "get bored" is a doorway to opening up their creative powers and imagination. When my children, every now and then, during this "slow time" ask for a TV show, and I say no, they don't complain, but go about busying themselves with some new and fascinating project that, quite frankly, would not have happened if we didn't curtail the technology in our home in the first place! It always amazes me their natural, God-given gifts of imagination and creativity - something that I feel our culture dulls in children unless we intentionally "create space" for it within our own homes and fight against the current of entertaining our children with electronic devices.