Don't you love those moments of humor the Lord has with you?
I think we can only have these moments if we can have a sense of humor with ourselves first and humbly recognize our weaknesses while being willing and docile to change them for the better, in whatever way the Lord calls us to. I think when we get to this point, we can have those laughable moments with the Lord.
That's what happened here.
For those of you who don't know, we've chosen to homeschool our children. (I wrote a post
about it a couple years ago: "Why We are Homeschooling). A couple weeks ago I began a novena with the intercession of St. Thomas Aquinas (here's a link for the prayer). I chose St. Thomas Aquinas because he is one of the most intelligent and scholarly minds in the history of Christianity and western civilization and he used his incredible intelligence and ability to articulate truths and argue them for God's glory. So I associate his immense capacity to articulate and explain all that is good, true, and beautiful with our pursuit of those things in our homeschool through the various subjects of study, literature and the fine arts.
For those who don't know, a novena is a nine day prayer made fervently for particular petitions or graces; sometimes these are novenas to the Holy Spirit or through the intercession of a saint who - in a way you could put it - "comes alongside you" to pray for your intention with you (think of how we ask a good friend to keep a particular petition in their prayers for us).
The most common period of time during which we pray novenas is nine days. The word “novena” actually comes from the Latin for “nine.” The nine-day period of prayer has its origin in the Book of Acts. After Jesus’ Ascension into heaven, the Apostles, the Blessed Virgin, and some of Christ’s other followers all “joined in continuous prayer” (Acts 1:14) for nine days, until the dramatic coming of the Holy Spirit on Pentecost. We know it was nine days, because the Ascension happened forty days after the Resurrection (cf. Acts 1:3), and Pentecost was always celebrated fifty days after the Passover. The Resurrection happened the day following the Passover, so we can do the math: 50-40-1=9. This period in which the fledgling Church “joined in continuous prayer” in anticipation of the promised coming of the Holy Spirit is the first “novena.” ["What is a novena?," spiritualdirection.com]
Lately, I had been feeling like something in our homeschool needed to change. Yet I couldn't put my finger on it - a change in routine? A change or addition to our subjects? Some kind of purchase needed? I just wasn't quite sure. So, I started my novena to ask the Lord for guidance on just exactly what this was.
It was on the seventh day that the Lord's answer just hit my soul so clearly: "It's your attitude that needs to change."
Haha! Talk about a reality check! ...But the most loving reality check I've ever received. Once I recognized that answer in my soul, I was chuckling a bit and just responded, "Oh Lord...you are SO right." I could sense the Lord almost giving me a little smirk and saying back to me, "See, I told you so." I just couldn't help but laugh at our shared sense of humor in that moment. God has a sense of humor and not a few times do St. Teresa of Avila and other saints have a funny word to say about that! In her autobiography, you can sense her intimate friendship with the Lord and awareness of His sense of humor with her. Yet she also had a deep, reverential fear because He is still Almighty God. This is something only grace can help us understand!
But I did instantaneously recognized that fault within myself after receiving that conviction: Yes, I do have a "utilitarian" attitude when it comes to doing schoolwork. I've realized that I carry the attitude of "Ok, let's just get this done so the boxes get checked off and we can feel accomplished." It is also precisely this attitude which leads me to become impatient as we're doing schoolwork. I put myself under a false time-clock. Why do I do this??? In reflecting, I've realized that it's a mix of things. I think for one, it is ingrained from a culture which values human industry and productivity to folly. Our culture has a very utilitarian outlook in that it views the worth of a person according to what he or she can do and accomplish while disregarding the inherent dignity of every human person just because they are a human person, regardless of "what they can contribute to society."
I also think it's ingrained from my traditional school education, especially in the public school system, which again has transformed into something utilitarian today - judging a student and teacher's "output" and success according to how much one can get done, countless benchmarks that must be met, obsessive evaluations of objectives, and endless testing. Schools have become a "factory" of forming students. I think these things surely have their place to gauge and measure and assess, but it seems the system has become a slave to these things. And because of this excessive pressure, it becomes more utilitarian. (I share this not just from my own reflection on my own education and what I learned in my own teacher certification in college, but also from other parents' experience of those who have children in the school system, those who are teachers in it, as well as countless talks and also books from professionals who study education, educational philosophy, and teach about it as their profession. I've learned a lot about how the philosophy behind American education has evolved). There are excellent and passionate teachers out there - as well as students - who feel a constant pressure to "perform" for certain results that actually do not entirely gauge real learning and understanding. Now, I do not doubt there are good parts to the educational system, but it seems to have been incredibly weakened over time and quite frankly, as the parent of my children whom God has entrusted me to raise towards Heaven and educate, I feel that yes, I want to give my kids something better. Now, I'm not saying that I know better than everyone else nor am I saying that I'm some kind of superb teacher; these are just things I've learned and observed. Maybe you feel differently. But what I am saying is that I'm going where the Lord is leading me and I'm trusting in His grace. And I feel called to do that through homeschooling. There may absolutely be a time where we feel it is necessary to send our children to a school and I'd be completely fine with that so long as that was God's Will that we discerned. But this utilitarian approach to education prevalent in the government-run school systems is just one reason we chose a classical education (and there are excellent schools out there who do carry this teaching philosophy which has dominated western civilization for thousands of years until, really, just about the 1930s). And I see how this utilitarian mentality in our society and my educational upbringing has affected me and the way I teach my children.
I also think this conviction the Lord revealed to me is a part of my personality and temperament; in order to "feel" accomplished, I need to be doing a lot and getting a lot of things done. But this is to a fault. Work is a virtue, but sometimes it can be to a fault and hinder our growth if we don't have a proper balance between diligence and the virtue of what St. Thomas Aquinas calls "right recreation." I realized my attitude is "do, do, do" without taking delight and without seeing God's grace and my sanctification happening in those moments too. It lead me to forget that when I sit down with my kids to teach them, those very moments are a part of my sanctification. It's NOT something to get out of the way to have a job accomplished for the day. This means that I have to consciously work against my fault to "do, do, do to get done, done, done" and instead, pause to take delight in the very pursuit of truth, goodness and beauty unfolding before my eyes.
Welllll, let me tell you how this shift in my attitude has lead to such a more delightful experience in homeschooling my children. (Right now I focus on our oldest but do lessons with John-Paul about every other day and throw in little things for Teresa since she wants to as well). Now I don't want to give the impression that I didn't like it before or found it stressful overall, because I didn't. I am so blessed to be able to form my children to pursue what is good and true and beautiful through the subjects we do, the fine arts, and the stories and poetry we enjoy. And Joseph is good about doing his schoolwork...but sometimes I'd just get impatient and couldn't wait for it to be done so that I could do housework and other things! I'll admit, this is quite an adjustment to doing things that sometimes become monotonous! But I've taken myself off of this false time-clock and pressure. I've seen what a difference it's made when I sit down to teach them. It's enjoyable together. Not necessarily always "fun," but enjoyable, and something that I now take delight in with them.
How much I thank God for this little tip and conviction He gave me, in His most loving way. But it sure wasn't the answer I was expecting! Yet I'm glad He has taught me this early on in my "homeschooling career" and I pray His grace will not go to waste!