"Now I have to go home to my second job!" I overheard a woman say a few years ago as she left work to head home to her children. She had sounded exasperated and overwhelmed.
I would say that perfectly captures modern society's mindset toward parenting: A second "job."
This is a mindset that underminds the vital role that mothers truly have in bearing and raising their children. Our culture views motherhood as a mere "job" with various functions rather than a vocation, a calling given to a woman by God to sanctify her and bring her AND her family to heaven. Now if we all truly believed THAT is the role of the mother, then there'd be no dispute about how necessary it is for the mother to give herself completely over to her children and her family without falling victim to some kind of outside pressure from the modern American mindset to "make more money," "get out of the home," or "because your career is what will fulfill you."
***Now on a quick side note, of course, it's important and fair to remember that there are situations which effect a mother's presence to her family - unemployment of her husband, being a single mother, etc... Every family situation is different and as parents seek to raise their children, it's of most importance that they pray to discern God's Will as circumstances arise.***
The Problem With our American Society Today
There is a serious problem in the well-developed western nations such as America. It is a mindset, a temptation, that seeks to take a woman's eyes off of this important and vital role in raising children by convincing us that we need many "things" which, in reality, are actually luxuries and not needs at all. In order to have all these things we "need" such as nice vacations, big houses, the best cars, great technology, 1,000 tv channels, etc... then that means both parents "must" work to have a higher income and afford these things (which in all actuality, are luxuries - not true needs at all).
We are too spoiled in this country. Our wealth has been a blessing but we've allowed it to control us and dictate our excessive living by using it for ourselves.
Coupled with that is the false feminist mindset today that a career is what fulfills a woman. When I'm on my death bed, I'm not going to want to be surrounded by my degrees, paychecks, and awards. I'm going to want my family there. I'm not saying that it's "either or." A career is NOT a bad thing. But what happens in our culture today is that having a career gets placed above family. A "good career" sometimes becomes one of the main goals in life at the expense of the family; people completely forgo marriage and children for...a career. There is an unhealthy emphasis on the need to have a career over being home to love and be present to children. When anything begins to take away our ability to give of ourselves to our family, when it begins to interfere with that in an unnecessary way, it's time to re-evaluate. And it's ashame because our society acts like a woman staying at home with her children is a curse..that it's a shameful thing to do..."she could be doing so many better other things." I could not think of any better way to use my time than raise my children in love and be present to them as much as I can. As long as I have the opportunity to stay at home and do this, you bet I am going to do it!
However when we fall to this worldly temptation of selfishness, materialism, or "careerism," what is being lost? We exchange our motherly presence, our time, our love, to give our children "things." The MOST important thing we can give our children in our broken world today is our time, our presence, and our love. Hardships will come, situations will change, suffering is inevitable, but a family who is rooted in quality time, being present to one another, and love, will face it all with grace. When the family breaks down, so goes society. And LOOK at our society. The mother is the heart of the home.
See what our modern society does - a little trickery of Satan - is it reduces motherhood to its "functionality" - those nitty gritty jobs - and takes the emphasis completely off of the presence of mom, her love, her time with her children. We are tempted to think things (like luxuries, unnescessary things) are more important than time and presence. Modern-day marketing and in-your-face advertising has done a great job at convincing us that our "wants" are really our "needs." It also tries to paint motherhood as a "prison" you need to be set free from. What a lie. When parents seek to flee from the family rather than tend to it with all their hearts, the family breaks down. The world tries to paint the picture of a mother who stays home as being worn out, stressed, unkempt, and maybe bored. ...But you'll feel like this at times even if you have a job too!
There's this awesome story about John Paul II when he was visiting here in America. Upon being greeted by the mayor of Boston and his wife, the Holy Father turned his attention to the wife, saying, "Ah, Mrs. Your husband has a very important job. Like the Pope does. But don't believe it. Your job is more important. The future of the world is with the mothers. It is the mothers who raise the children. It is the mothers who will give us peace and make us free. Like Mary, the Mother of Jesus, we need you the most."
St. John Paul II knew the indespensible role of mothers - a role which the world often neglects today and considers of little importance. It's always, "Here...go have your baby, take a couple months off, and then get right back into the work force...don't let children 'interfere' with your pursuit of a career."
I graduated college with a degree. I could go work. I think going to work would be a heck of a lot easier (in a way) than being home with 3 children. I could do many things right now other than be at home with my children. But I would never desire it. In fact, I know that if I did, that I would be being selfish and self-centered rather than giving of myself to these 3 little angels God has entrusted to me for only a short time on earth. The situations are different for each woman, but it's important to face ourselves in honesty. And I could honestly say - for myself personally - that if I sought out a career right now for its own sake, I'd be taking the "easy way out" of raising my children; it'd be selfish; and it'd involve self-ambition...it'd be all about me.
Is it difficult? Yeah, there are those days I have with the kids where I wanna pull my hair out. But guess what? I'll have those days anyway even if I decided to have a regular job!
The Trade-Off
#1 - The joy. As much "work" that mothering is, attending to children who need you and want your attention, there is about a million times more joy and fulfillment that comes from it. There are those days, sure, but they pass. And look at life: the things you work hardest for are the things that bring you the most happiness. It's no different in raising children. ...Well it is - it's more fulfilling!
#2 - No one can love my children the way I do. No one can love a child the way their mother can. No one knows them better than their mother. Why would I want someone else outside of our family stepping in my place to do that? They're not going to care and love my children better than mom. On top of that, the more we lay ourselves down to love and give of ourselves to our children, the more they'll respond in love to us, the less "acting out" there will be, the less disobedience, the less misconduct. They won't be angels, don't get me wrong. But there is no doubt that in time as they see this more and more, they will return love with love.
#3 - I can give my presence and time to them. There are plenty of psychology and behavior health studies out there that give evidence to the fact that many misbehaviors and bad conduct found in children arise from a deeper need of wanting to be noticed and receive more love, attention and time from their parents. Our society would be in much better shape if parents took more time to give their complete attention to their children (not texting while a child is trying to talk to you like I just recently saw). We'd be in much better shape if more time was taken to love them, shower them with kisses and hugs, hold them, play with them, and act silly with them! Too often do you go out and see kids glued to their electronic devices, missing out on the world around them. This may be an easy way to "hush" the child, but maybe that's not what the child wants - maybe deep down, they want their mom or dad's love and attention. Staying at home with the kids allows me to pour myself out to them, play with them, read to them, listen to Joseph ask a million "why" questions, etc... I would be missing out on so much fun, kisses, hugs, and love if I were not home with my children! Is it work? Yes. Is it exhausting? Some days. But the joy and love returned is a hundrefold of that!
#4 - Being a mother is my vocation. Because the Lord has called me to marriage and given us the blessing of 3 children, I need to realize that being a wife and mother is my path to heaven. I could do as many other good things as I want, but if I neglect to be a faithful wife, if I neglect my children and if I seek to live selfishly instead, then those other things wouldn't matter. Those other good things would crumble before God on my judgement day because I have missed the point - that I am called to walk the path to heaven through fostering God's love in my marriage and family. My primary concern is to nurture and cherish the relationship with my husband and my children. If you're married - it's through your marriage that you are primarily sanctified and made holy. If you have children, it is through them that the Lord primarily wants to help you grow in virtue. It's important to remember that your vocation is your path to heaven. Of course, like I had said before, there are circumstances which arise that do not permit the mother to be home...but in today's society, getting the mother "out of the house" has been the rule rather than the exception. And we have an irreplaceable role in raising our children. And I'm not referring to the functions sometimes involved in motherhood like laundry or cleaning; I'm referring to the heart of motherhood - spending time with them, showering them with affection, laughing, playing, teaching, loving. What joy!
How to Keep the Tank Full
Motherhood is meant to be a joy! Here's some tips on mothering with grace, joy, love (and patience!):
#1 God's grace. You can only go so far for so long running on your own gas, which is why we need God to do this amazing task and do it with great joy and love. We need His grace to stay energized, stress-free, full of love and joy. We will have moments for sure - but they don't have to stay with us, we can surrender it to the Lord and He can carry our burdens. He can "refill our tanks." With the Lord, we can do anything - and we can do it with great love and joy! When we grow cranky or impatient and perhaps snap at our kids - it takes us a simple act of forgiveness to God and a little petition, "Lord, help me grow in patience." A daily life of prayer & regularly receiving the Sacraments by attending Mass (daily Mass if you can!) and Confession are necessary!
#2 We need balance. We need to have a healthy "outlet" like a hobby we enjoy, reading, going out with a friend, taking a mini-retreat, etc.. on a regular basis. This healthy balance is also what will help keep us sane, involved, and continuously giving of ourselves because it gives us a little time of "refreshment." As responsibilities grow, families become bigger, trials are encountered, it becomes even more important to do these things. If you have family nearby, ask mom or dad to watch the kids for a couple hours; plan something where your husband takes the kids...and DON'T use that free time to clean or do more work! ...Go off for refreshment. Pop inside a Catholic church and spend some time before the Real Presence of Jesus.
#3 We need support. Wow is this ever so important. Not only do we need support, but if we want to do it the best way, we need the right support. We need to seek counsel and advice from other faithful Christians who see and share the overall point of parenting which is leading our children back to heaven. Don't let pride get in the way of asking for people's advice and suggestions. We need each other, especially in our world today which seeks to minimalize the role of the mother in her family. I cannot begin to tell you the wealth of advice and ideas I've received from other holy mothers! I love asking questions and getting advice and ideas... and I know I will need much more as our children grow.
#4 Pray the Rosary. Every day. Don't make excuses that there's no time. There is and you can make it. Pray it every day for the next year and I can promise you the impact the Blessed Mother will have in your life. The Rosary is a weapon against our sin, our vices, and any evil that may try to hurt us, our marriages and our families. Our Lady's intercession (Mary was a mother herself!) is powerful and she obtains many many graces for us! Have a relationship with Mary too!
Remember, O most compassionate Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your aid, or sought your intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence we fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, our Mother. To you do we come, before you we kneel, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not our petitions but in your clemeny hear and answer them. Amen!