Are manners just some showy thing that parents ought to teach children for the sake of wanting children to be polite? What does that mean, to "be polite"? Are manners a thing of the past? Why are they more important to teach, now, more than ever?
Manners teach children maturity in character and help foster growth in their interior lives. Thus manners, in a small but constant way, are a great (but often forgotten or overlooked) means for spiritual growth.
Let's turn to a secular definition of the word "polite," a word often associated with the use of manners. According to the online Cambridge Dictionary, the word "polite" means
behaving in a way that is socially correct and shows understanding of and care for other people's feelings.
I bolded the second part of that definition to draw out a point that links to an important part of spiritual growth in the interior life. You might be quick to call that empathy but if we look a little deeper, we can see that the Christian disposition underlying it is selflessness. Or, taking the gaze off of oneself. To care for others is to care for Christ.
Amen I say to you, as long as you did it to one of these my least brethren, you did it to me. [Matthew 25:40]
In a culture saturated by materialism, self-comfort, the endless pursuit of pleasure, instant gratification, and so on, it is only logical that a narcissistic, self-centered disposition will develop. If one seriously considers this, and then adds in the fact that these things get heaped upon children from the culture from the time they become aware of it, then of course - without even realizing it - this can cultivate a very self-centered "I-get-what-I-want-and-if-I-don't-I-will-endlessly resist-and-complain-about-it-until-I-do" type of outlook on life. That would be at its worst. At the least, it would just be an unawareness of, or maybe a certain aloofness or unconcern for, the needs of others.
By our fallen nature, we typically tend toward self-centeredness. Bummer! It really takes constant, vigilant, and diligent efforts to move away from self-centeredness and move more toward self-giving. Children showing "good manners" ought to arise from the Christian disposition of self-forgetfulness and self-giving...
...love one another with mutual affection; anticipate one another in showing honor. [Romans 12:10]
Let me pause for a moment. This is not a parenting post. The point I want to drive home is the link between what we call "manners" and an actual maturity in Christian character and growth in the spiritual life.
A Poverty in Manners
Perhaps there is such a poverty of manners today because we are engrossed in a culture of self-centeredness. So let's shed a supernatural light on these little things called "manners": It can be a means to fostering a maturity in character and spiritual growth that helps a child understand the world doesn't revolve around him/her.
This is precisely why it is so shocking to adults when a child, after being asked, "How are you?" answers and then asks the adult, "How are you doing today?" Or, when a child offers to give an older woman a hand by carrying something for her. Or, when a child actually looks at an adult in the eye when speaking. (Now of course, that can obviously be from a natural timidity, especially in young children, but I hope you get my point).
Manners are the not the end-all of raising a child. But these "little things" are a facet - an everyday, easy-to-do, simple way - in strengthening those spiritual muscles and serve as a means for teaching children how to take advantage of little opportunities to die to self-love and put oneself aside for others, just like Christ. It opens up their eyes to an awareness of others outside of themselves. Manners also act as a small, anti-narcisisstic medicine to provide to our children in contrast to a self-absorbed and narcissistic culture.
These little things called "manners" draw one out of oneself and one's own little world of me, myself and I. And, when coupled with the supernatural motive of doing it for love of God and others, then, like the grooves of a well-worn tire track in dirt, a child engraves in their soul a concrete way of imitating Christ: Selflessness for the love of God and others. And...all accomplished in these repeated, everyday, little acts that are not hard to come by at all. Easy opportunities to grow in self-giving are found in the family, in the store, out in public, at church, at the grandparents', and so on.
It is these little, repeated, constant acts of selflessness that can help mature the soul in charity and self-giving; over time, a habit of it will develop and hopefully provide a fertile ground for greater virtue to flourish. And these little manners a parent can teach their child are much easier to come by than the fewer and more grand acts of charity that we should also be ready to do.
He that is faithful in that which is least, is faithful also in that which is greater. [Luke 16:10]
So, manners are good. And they are not done for the sake of themselves. They ought to have a supernatural motive - serving Christ in others, doing it for the love of God, or however you like to put it. But it is because of this supernatural motive that our children can grow in the grace of God and mature in the spiritual life. We want them to grow in charity, consideration, humility, gratitude, respect for authority, and other such virtues because it is our duty to do so. We want to help them grow closer to our Lord and one day reach Heaven.
So, why not take advantage of these forgotten little things called manners? “Forgotten,” at least as I’m told, by the generations older than myself…And they probably have more of an awareness of it than I do.
The everyday journey to Heaven is made of inches, not miles! These are the little things.
What do you think are some good manners for children to practice? What do you think are some that have been lost today? How can you make the link between certain manners that are practiced and the virtues they can help build?