Joey has recently hit a new stage of maturity - it's really cute to see and Bill and I can't help but sit back and smile at the things we are noticing.
Yet also coming with it as he matures into more of an independent, empathic stage is the appearance of an occasional "tone" in his voice and a new type of challenge toward our authority (you know how kids are - pushing to see how far they can test you).
As a result, it has lead me to re-evaluate the way I discipline. Because of this, it is a daily prayer of mine to ask God to show me the way that is best to discipline each of them for the temperment and personality God gave them and in the way that is best for their soul. (I find this prayer especially resounding when I come to praying for John-Paul!).
For one, I am too convinced that perservering, consistent, patient, and firm disipcline is a loving thing to do for our children. Scripture speaks of how God disciplines those whom He loves. He wants to form us - to disciple us (root of discipline) - into people of good and strong character and virtue. I also know that focusing much on my discipline habits now will help me develop better habits and also help our children develop good habits of character (virtue) so that really, in the long run, it's less exhausting on our family life and myself - especially at 4 children and counting. I don't expect that the bad habits will be completely wiped out, but overall, in general, we hope obedience is something they will come to respect in our family in order for things to run smoothly.
*A note on obedience - I used to be scared of using this word with our children in the beginning of our parenting journey. But then I realized that obedience is so important to our Lord. We are expected to obey His Commandments and words. The realized that the reason I shyed away from using this word was because of a cultural influence - our culture has put a bad connotation on "authority" and "obedience." Subconsciously, our culture thinks it's linked to "not having a mind of your own." Our culture lives by "You are your own authority." We forget that we are, in the end, accountable to God. (And we are, whether we believe it or not). So now I try to help my kids to understand that they are expected to obey us just like mommy and daddy have to obey God. You see, in Christianity, authority and obedience are not other words for "totalitarian regime and rule;" our authority is not one of "lording it over others" like Christ reminds us it's not; it's one of laying down our lives for others, in serving them (and in our case, doing this for our children).
This is not to be confused with permissive parenting where we serve and kill ourselves over every desire of theirs - this would lead to self-centeredness in a child's character. The "laying down of our lives" and "serving" is one aimed at what is best for their souls: The formation of virtue and character. It's not cultivating much virtue to give your child everything they want and to parent with little boundaries. Nor is it healthy to let them dictate to you what you should do (through their relentless nagging, tantrums, etc...) I am learning that when you have strong-willed children (which they all are in their own way!), you simply must be stronger-willed (easier said than done but nonetheless crucial). This means weathering the storm of crying for 20 minutes when they don't get their way, leaving Chuck E Cheese for bad behavior, or sending them to their room to cool down rather than tolerate it or give in to their demand just for the sake of peace. In the short term giving in may work and it's an appealing option because it's easier and creates a more immediate sense of peace, but in reality it destroys long-term peace, cultivates bad, self-centered character and it gives permission for continued behavior such as the one you're trying to stop.
Thankfully, by "observing" myself honestly and praying, I see those areas where I need to improve the way I discipline right now.
So here we are... and then I'll share what I'm planning to do to get better at them.
1. I ask the kids to do things that I can't follow through with because I always ask when I'm preoccupied.
So usually I'll find myself saying "John-Paul, go use the potty" as I'm changing Teresa's diaper in the morning to get us all up and ready. I'll repeat myself over and over again until finally after Teresa's diaper is changed, I can escort John-Paul to the bathroom (because shocker, he never went). The problem is he probably won't listen to me most times I ask him as I'm doing other such things because he's a distracted three year-old. I do this type of asking-as-I'm-occupied a lot. I do believe there is a need at times for it, but I also realize that because I can't be there to deal out consequences right away so he knows I mean what I say, that it's breeding bad habits of "not taking mommy's word seriously."
What I'm Doing to Fix It
I'm going to cut back on asking things that aren't as urgent and ask them either right after I'm finished with whatever I was occupied with so that I can then follow through with a consequence as now I'm physically free for a minute. In this way, in time, they'll understand that I say what I mean and expect action right away. It's just "easier" as a multi-tasking mom to verbalize 5 different commands to my other 2 children as I'm doing something else with the one, but because they are still so young, they need to see consequences (not just endless verbal nagging and repeating) to know that I mean what I say. In time, if I don't do this, I know I'll just end up repeating myself 50 times (as I'm starting to do) and in the end I'll get annoyed, frustrated, and angry (as I have in the past lol). So I need to focus hard on that follow-through action/consequence and instill this as a habit in them right now so that in time, as they grow, they'll know and obey when I ask something of them. It will take more energy and perserverance, but I know it will allow things to go much more smoothly. I guess this is one of the advantages of being home with the kids: I don't feel pressured to rush them off to school so they're not late, or I'm not pressured to be at work on time. I can focus more on dealing with those character building situations which may take more time, but will benefit them (and me and whole family) in the end.
In time, by being firm with this in the beginning, it will evolve as they get older to the point where I can ask them to do many things and they will follow through without my nagging (for the most part - I hope lol).
2. I tell my children what to do in the form of "question suggestions."
Parental authority is not a question, however, I make it sound so when I find myself saying things like, "Time to get changed, ok?" or "Let's go in and eat lunch now, ok?" I never realized this until more recently over the past six months and I don't do it on purpose...it's just a bad habit. I think it sprung out of just wanted to always sound sweet and motherly. Well, I'm learning you can sound sweet and motherly without using "question suggestions."
In time, a logical response of a child might be, "Nah, I don't feel like it."
Parent: "Oh, well you actually don't have a choice. This is what you need to do."
Child: "Well then why did you ask me if I wanted to do that?"
What I'm Doing to Work On It
When something needs to get done - or is supposed to be done - it shouldn't be posed as a question. It undermines our authority. Now that I'm conscious of this bad habit, it's gone from "Joseph, time to get changed, ok?" to "Joey, time to get changed." or "You need to get changed now, sweetie." I realized that my "ok's" at the end of my "question suggestions" were really my way of saying, "Do you understand?" And really, when it comes to simple commands like, "Time to go get changed," they understand perfectly so I don't even really need to do it then, unless it's something more complicated or new to them.
3. I don't use "if-thens" enough and follow through with my actions consistently enough.
Don't get me wrong, the kids are very well behaved as kids could be. But I don't want to encourage bad habits in them. I notice that I repeat myself 20 times for them to get a-moving to bed or get in their pj's. It should be that I tell them once and they do it. Now, realistically, this isn't going to happen, thus: "If you don't...then (insert consequence here)." In time, I'm hoping they'll see that there are consequences to actions when they don't listen and that it will help them become obedient (as they mature and grow) when I ask them to do something. I know it won't be perfect, but it will be better.
What I'm Doing to Work on It
Instead of exhausting myself to death over repetitive commands, I'm going to set clear, logical consequences: "If you don't get dressed right now, then I will take away that toy you are playing with..." Then, if they don't within a few seconds, I will follow through. I will not keep repeating myself "Go get dressed" "You should be dressed" etc... They are children, they get distracted by their toys, they get off-task, and they also test you. The challenge is to train them not only in obedience, but to learn how to focus their attention and stay on-task. (Now of course, patience is key in all of this! I can't just erupt at my 3 year-olds inability to do it immediately because by his 3-year-old nature, he gets easily distracted. Now that doesn't excuse him to proceed with whatever he gets distracted by because he's not Teresa's age - he does know better; but it's an opportunity to train him in obedience and in learning how to stay on-task and focused, both important character traits and life skills. I've learned that patience and calm firmness are key (not easily achieved but a virtue for us parents to work diligently at - for me at least!).
4. I yell.
There are times where I'm pushed to the point where my frustrated emotions take over and I yell. I'm guilty at times and feel horrible afterwards, asking God's forgiveness and grace to be more patient and change whatever I need to change.
What I'm Doing to Work On It
I realized the reason I get "pushed to that point" is because I need to more consistently enforce immediate consequences - otherwise I'm repeating myself 50 times, get annoyed, and then yell. Here also is where a constant, diligent work (and prayer) for the virtue of patience comes in. Oh how much we need the grace of God for that supernatural strength and virtue! And by patience, I don't mean enduring the bad behavior until it passes; I mean disciplining it calmly and firmly rather than out of angered emotions. Sometimes, this might mean walking away for a minute or two until I can calmly deal with the situation.
So there are my goals for improvement in discipline! I'm not saying things are going to end up all honky-doory, bed-of-roses, but I do have a hunch it will greatly profit our family in the long-run, establish more peace in the household as well as a greater chance of "running" things smoothly; Most importantly, it will the strengthen the character and virtue of our children (be it patience, obedience to proper authority and God, or delay of gratification which is so important to the life of Christian in which Christ asks us die to ourselves and carry our Crosses).
We'll see! But with baby #4 on the way, I'm thinking this is a good direction to move in! :)