This is the conversation I heard the other day outside among the boys (you know how mom's always gotta eavesdrop an ear to hear what they're are talking about...)
Joseph: "Hey John-Paul, look how dirty I am. Look how dirty my socks are."
John-Paul: *No response - just pretends he doesn't hear and goes about his business*
Joseph: "John-Paul, look. Look John-Paul. Wow, huh?" (Very proud of his dirty socks)
John-Paul: "Yeah" (Sometimes when John-Paul doesn't want to be bother, he doesn't want to be bothered...)
Joseph had just completed another round of what he calls "work": Digging, pulling weeds, making holes, uplifting tree roots, etc...all in our backyard (we've had to confine him to a special area we marked off for him because otherwise our whole yard would be dug up...). He puts on his work boots and work gloves and gets off to work. Sometimes John-Paul will join him, and other times he's not so adamant as his older brother and would prefer to get lost in his imagination (and boy does he just go on in it! The other day he was outside playing for at least a half hour with his water bottle and a bowl that was turned upside down on top of it...I think it was a rocket ship....a whole half hour! How many of you could have so much fun for 30 minutes with a water bottle and a little plastic bowl, pretending to play spaceship?? I know I couldn't...)
Bill and I were watching Joseph the past few days as he worked and dug in the dirt and we both noticed how proud he was to be getting dirty. To him, it was a sign of manliness - meaning, being like dad. (Bill owns a lawn service business).
What a mother cannot give
As I read more to learn about the boys' developmental and psychological stages in their growth and development so I can better understand them, one thing the child psychologists all agree upon is that between the ages of 4-6 the child begins to identify more with the same-sex parent.
As I watch the boys grow, I do reflect on how important it is that children have both a mother and a father. As a woman, I cannot give my son "manliness" or "manhood." I can't give what I do not have. Sure, our world tries to tell us being male or female doesn't matter, but in being a parent to both sexes, I can say, it sure does matter; I see it manifest so clearly in regards to parenting. Sure, I can do things that might seem "manly" but masculinity and femininity transcend functional roles. It is innate - in our psychological makeup, our nature, in our spirituality, in our physiological makeup, and the list goes on. A good father is the only one in the family who can truly "call out" the man in his son.
Now, obviously, Joseph is only 5. But he admires his father in a way that's different from the way he admires and learns from me. Mommy embarassingly gushes over the boyhood of her son while dad affirms it.
Boys learn from their relationship with their father what it means to be a man.
And boys learn from their relationship with their mother how to treat a woman.
Boys also learn how to treat a woman by the way they see their father treat their mother and by the respect and love their father demands that they give their mother. There is much to learn within the family as God created it: Husband (male) and wife (female) and their children. It is sad to see this vision and plan of the family being destroyed in today's modern society because society's twisted notion of family and marriage lacks much for the children; it is devoid of its fulfillment as God made it.
Raising Boys
One of the things I was NOT used to (being that I'm a girl and only have one sister) is the agressiveness of boys and this innate desire to "fight." Mom wants to quell this desire with peace. As I learned (and, as always, continue to learn), this desire to battle and fight is innate in all men, but it must be channeled in the right way: To boldly defend all that is good and true and beautiful. When we as mothers suppress this boyish inclination rather than help it be filtered in the right light, it runs risk of raising wimpy boys who will be afraid to defend and speak up for others and what is right when they grow older.
All we mothers want to say is "no fighting, no fighting, no fighting" until the point that they think any physical behavior at all is unacceptable....as if it's wrong. But there does come a point where a man will have to defend and use that natural inclination to fight: Defend his family, defend women, defend the weak. I remember watching the boys and their dad wrestle for the first time. I was so nervous! I kept cringing, afraid someone was going to get hurt (and that's always very possible). If it were up to me, I'd say "Ok, that's enough! Someone's going to get hurt! It's getting too rough!" But I knew I had to trust Bill on this, haha. But what I've learned is that boys want to be rough, they want to get dirt on their hands and bodies, they want to take risks and possibly get hurt! It's like they almost get a thrill out of it (while mom gets a heart attack).
Now obviously, we don't just let the boys fight, fight, fight. Our responsibility is to teach our children virtue. Not much virtue involved when you can throw a punch or push or shove whenever you want or to get your way...
Bill has helped me understand that at certain times, there is a need for a man to be physical (ONLY towards another man, obviously! Never toward a woman). This is NOT for pride's sake, but for justice's sake. A man's strength is never to be used for self-centered reasons but for self-sacrifice for what is good and true and right. For example, a man is mistreating a woman and perhaps becoming physical towards her. In reality, another man should step in to defend the woman; perhaps restrain the guy or if needed, knock him down. But today, many men would just look the other direction. Another case in point: John-Paul starts up with Joseph. Joseph politely asks him to stop. John-Paul continues as Joey tries to ignore yet in John-Paul's relentlessness, Joseph pushes John-Paul over. NOT in a way to hurt him, but so as to "give what was coming to him," justice's sake. John-Paul's behavior toward Joseph was uncalled for and out of line, we watched it happen. We weren't upset at Joseph; we didn't say anything. Joseph also didn't continue to dominate over John-Paul, turning it in a "bullying" or "beating up" sort of thing. That was it, it ended. Bill teaches the boys these things: That at certain times, giving a controlled shove is ok. It sounds like a little boy couldn't possibly understand this concept, but you'd be surprised. (Ok, not that Joseph handles every situation PERFECTLY, so don't let me give you that impression...). It's a learning work in progress though - we've seen him act in a controlled way and then other times, it's an emotional reaction. At this age, I'm learning it's important to teach children proper expression of emotions and emotional control. Much to do as a parent!
I can't teach my boys as effectively about those certain times of using physical strength though; it's just different coming from "mom." Mom sees it through the eyes of a woman, but dad sees it through the eyes of a man, of training a boy into a man. These are little beginning things. It's teaching boys how to use their strength and innate desire to fight for noble and godly purposes. Not to bully, not to take control, not to feed into one's pride, but for the good, for self defense, to defend his family and the weak.
Then I reflect on generations gone by where it was the norm for young boys and even men to "duke it out" and then be fine with one another the next day: That was just how things were handled. Today it's so opposite; we live in a wimpified culture, an effeminate culture.
Dad needs to be the spiritual leader
Boys need a father. Just as God created a father to lead, provide, and protect his family, so do boys need a father to learn that from. How can a man protect if he doesn't channel his desire to do battle in the right way? Boys want to fight and be aggressive! Fight against what though? Our ultimate battle is with evil. What is evil? Anything that is sinful. Sin offends not only against God, but anything God created that is good, beautiful and true. Therefore, more important than the necessity of the times where one is called to protect and defend in a physical way, is the necessity of the spiritual fight and battle that we are engaged in against Satan and evil.
Boys need to know how to fight and they can only truly learn this from their father. We need good fathers in our world today. I read this crazy statistic the other day from a Catholic parenting book I'm re-reading. When the father acts as the spiritual head of his family, goes to Mass, prays and teaches his children how to pray - when he is an active part and leader of his family's spiritual life -, the chances of the child "inheriting" and living the faith they were given is roughly 65%. But when the father refrains and does not participate in Mass, praying with the family, etc.. that stat drops to 6%! What an incredible role dad plays in teaching his children, especially his boys, about the Lord, eternal life, and virtue!
Although I can teach my boys certain things and demonstrate to them gentleman-like things, there is nothing like "iron sharpening iron" as Scripture says. A father sharpening and shaping his sons. That is what I cannot do as a mother. I can try, but it's certainly not the same. This innate desire to fight and be aggressive and physical that I see in my boys is something that I'm noticing is strength that is best "trained" by their father: Strength which is to be used for that which is good and true and as something which points us toward the spiritual - our daily fight against sin in ourselves and in the world. A real man uses his strength not to dominate or for selfish purposes, but he uses his strength for self-sacrifice and selflessness; he uses it for the good and for growth in virtue. You can think of the word "gentleman" as maening "strength under control." It is interior strength under control - the strength of virtue - and exterior (physical) strength under control - used only when absolutely necessary for noble and just purposes such as self defense and protection of others.
This is what dad shows his boys.
Finally, I recently came across a video promo of a Catholic summer camp for boys where they take this innate desire in boys to fight and be tough and direct it toward its transcendental purpose: To wage war against sin and evil. They use swords, bows and arrows, sheilds, fire, explosions, dirt, obstacle courses, gladiator events - you name it! Looks so cool and God-willing Joey will be able to go to summer camp there one day! It was shared by Jason Evert who had just arrived back from the camp with his son. The camp is called Arcatheos. Here's the Arcatheos promo video link!
Recommended blogs, books, and talks:
Ok, so here's a couple Catholic blogs specifically for men that I'll sometimes read just to "get inside" the head of a man and understand a man's perspective more:
Books:
Talks:
Good fathers produce holy helpmates (about 16 minutes)
How to raise a man (approx 1 hr 11min)
How to raise a man Q&A (49 min)
Men (35 min)
Parenting is always a learning journey, isn't it?? God bless! :)