Back in the beginning of May, I wrote a post about my bad discipline habits at that point in time and how I would set out to improve them (and myself).
They were:
1. Asking the kids to do things at times when I was preoccupied and not able to follow through with some action if they didn't listen.
2. I tell my children what to do in the form of "question suggestions."
3. I didn't use "if-then" consequences enough & follow through with those consequences more consistently.
4. I yell.
I made it a point to consciously improve, daily, on those four areas. Good news and God's grace - my resolutions have been happening and those are no longer my predominant areas of discipline failure. (hooray!)
Bad news?
I have new ones! Human nature is so fragile! ...But I'm not surprised; I'm always a piece of work. :P
When I sense the Lord prompting me down a different road, in this case, in my discipline approach as they grow up, I do take time to reflect and pray on it. I think of those particular behaviors we have trouble with in our children that seem to stand out the most. Then, I literally write down - so I can have it thought out ahead of time - how I will deal with it. It is a conscious effort so I don't resort to mere yelling or punitive punishment. I want to think of the best way to discipline that will build habits of virtue, not merely suppress vice without correcting it and buidling the opposite virtue. Then, as of late, each morning when I wake up and the before the kids wake up, I take out my "Everything Mom Book" (basically where I write down anything related to mom stuff), and review my disicplinary actions so I can continue to be consistent and have ready the *best* way to deal with those particular bad behaviors we want to root out.
Ok, so without further ado, here are my bad discipline habits, part 2!
1. I have to repeat myself too many times without following through sooner with some type of disciplinary action.
I realized that asking them to clean up their toys, go potty before we left for some place, etc... was becoming too redundant when I got sick of hearing my own voice sound like a broken record.
Now that I'm more conscious of trying not ask things of them (at least the non-important, non-urgent things) while I'm preoccupied, it's allowed me to be able to follow through when they don't comply. The thing is.....I'm not following through soon enough. I ask them to do something 50 times. Then I get annoyed. Then I grind my teeth. Then I yell and charge. I realized the reason I ask so many times is because I also "ask on the fly" when they're half distracted/running/chasing. Sometimes I'll ask from another room... When they're so little, they can't follow through easily. They have to be taught that I mean what I say, and this takes extra effort on my part.
What I'm doing about it:
Ask once and make sure I have their attention. (Ok, sometimes I still ask a couple times but it's been much better). This means getting complete eye contact and making sure they pause for a moment from what they're doing. If I'm in another room nursing Ronan and I need something handed to me or something done, I call them to me first, make sure I have their attention, then politely ask. This has worked very well.
If I am not preoccupied and they don't comply, like in John-Paul's case of asking him to use the potty before we head off somewhere, then I can walk over toward him, take him by the hand and escort him to the bathroom. Either he can do it by himself like a big boy if he listens, or mommy has to do it with him. (He is all about the "big boy status" so this approach generally works). But I'm hoping this "I mean what I say" approach will pay off in the long run so I'm not constantly fighting battles.
2. I nag.
"Joseph go brush your teeth." "Did you feed the cat?" "Did you this, did you that?"
I realized I was nagging a bit much, afraid certain things wouldn't get done if I didn't.
It was creating friction that did't need to be there because no one likes to be nagged.
What I'm doing about it:
I stopped nagging. Perhaps I needed to lay out the expectations in a clearer way, I thought to myself. This was particularly in relation to Joey's morning routine (which John-Paul does too, but with a little guidance from me). So I made a simple little chart with pictures of his responsibilities. Now, every morning before breakfast I ask: "Hmmm...let's see...did you change into your clothes? Make your bed?" etc... "Yes, yes, yes" and he's so proud when he responds. Keeps it simple, eliminates my need to keep asking him to his morning routine tasks, makes the morning run smoother and more peacefully, and it makes Joseph feel proud. All I had to do was clearly state the expectations and the picture chart helped.
3. Rather than external control discipline, I am focusing more on internal control disicpline methods to form habits of virtue. A priest was once quoted as saying, "The fruit of good discipline is self-discipline."
External control methods work good when children are little little, I've found. A little spank for misbehavior, time-outs, hand-taps etc... But I'm learning that as children approach early childhood age, mere punitive punishments and "do as I say because I said so" aren't the best ways to form virtuous habits. It may silence vice and disobedience, but in the long run, it may lead the child to become sneaky and secretive and unwilling to open up about the emotions and feelings that caused certain behaviors. There is still a time and a place for time-outs and losing privileges, but it shouldn't be the daily form of disicpline; it should be the exception of use rather than the rule.
What I'm doing about it:
This has compelled me to work harder at my discipline all the while making extra effort to exhibit that discipline calmly but firmly. I've learned that it's also important to begin teaching children to understand and pinpoint their emotions and deal with them in healthy ways rather than destructive ways. There's typically a reason that children exhibit misbehavior. The important part is to get to that intention and "train" the reaction in a proper way. But if I react strongly and harshly over a little scuffle rather then pause, find out why so-and-so did that, and teach them a better way to deal with it (and have them do it that way, as well as apologize), then it (unintentionally) teaches the child that their emotions are wrong. Because of these strong reactions, it may lead a child to be secretive and sneaky rather than honest and open. Now obviously, some misbehaviors may require a strong or loud reaction, especially if it's something that's dangerous. But after we "grab" their attention, it's important to then calmly, firmly, and compassionately get to the root of it by getting them to open up and then correcting the behavior by showing them (or asking them for suggestions) a healthier or kinder way of dealing with a situation.
I've been using a lot of "do-overs" with the kids. They are slowly coming out of a habit of asking for things by saying, "I want..." We are trying to teach them the polite way to ask for things: "May I...please?" or "Can you please...?" So when they say "I want my cup," I respond, "Try again." Or "How do you ask politely?" Then when they finally say it properly, they may either get what they asked for, or if it's not necessary or something we won't allow at that moment, we'll say no. It's important to also help a child know that asking in a polite way doesn't always mean they will get what they want:
"Mommy, can you get my blankie please?"
"I like how you asked but you can get it yourself bud, you're a big boy."
Another good way of disciplining bad behavior, I've learned, is having them actually practice the opposite good behavior. In the spiritual life, when we have a certain vice or sin, it's necessary to practice the opposite virtue. If it's pride, we must practice humility. If it's gluttony, we must practice temperance. If it's lust, we must practice purity and chastity, etc...
Case in point: John-Paul pushed Teresa off the toy box today. I picked Teresa up and she stopped crying and went off to play. I kept John-Paul next to me.
"John-Paul, that's wrong to push your sister like that. What made you want to do that?"
"Because I wanted to get off and Teresa was in the way."
"Well what do you think is a better way to do that instead of shoving her off?"
"Ask her to move nicely."
"Yep. Or you can climb down around her. But you should never push her, she could get very hurt."
Then, I had Joey pretend to be Teresa on the toy box and John-Paul had to do this in one of the ways we discussed. He did. (And he wasn't allowed to go anywhere or do anything until he did). Asking them for their ideas on the right ways to handle a situation helps them build a virtuous habit of thinking about the right ways to deal with other situations on their own. For now, I'm right there with them. But this virtuous habit must be developed for that day when mom is not around and a decision between right and wrong must be made.
An example of using a "logical consequence" happened the other day. The kids were jumping and playing on our bed (when they shouldn't be) and then they knocked off the towels I had folded on the bed. My instructions were to get off of our bed and to fold the towels now since they had knocked them off and they became unfolded. Logical consequence: You knocked the towels off of our bed and they become unfolded, now you must fold them back up. You spilled the water on the floor, you need to clean it up. You get the point...
Folding up the sheet
We also get quite a bit of whining and complaining, which is slowly coming around. Once they start whining or complaining, we remind them immediately that they need to use their words and say it in a respectful way; then they gather themselves together and do. (A few minutes of resistant silence may pass, but then they always sincerely come around). We understand kids get tired, cranky, etc... but gentle reminders such as that and a refusal to listen until they can express themselves calmly help curb the complaining and whining and teaches them to express themselves in a respectful way. There really is no excuse to allow disrespect. Sometimes, if someone is really cranky or caught up in a emotional storm like Joey once in a while will be, I tell him he must go to his room to "cool down" and that when he feels like he's ready to talk (or listen) respectfully and without an attitude, then he can come out. An apology for disrespect or attitude is required too (although honestly, sometimes I forget to remind them of that part! Gotta work on that...it's important!)
John-Paul not picking up his toys at the end of the night, or doing it super slow so he only has to pick up 2 while Joey picks up all the rest? Dump out a little bin of toys just for him to clean up. "You're going to practice picking up the toys if you don't want to work with your brother to do it." (We just recently decided we would implement this idea because we noticed John-Paul kept trying to avoid cleaning up...)
4. Remain calm but firm, gentle but stern, in my disciplinary approach. (so I need to try not to lose it!)
Easier said than done. Much of my disciplinary effort goes into this aspect. It is a tough thing to gain control over your emotions and be composed.
5. Pray through their moments of misbehavior.
I need to utter a little prayer right then and there in my heart more often. I can ask their patron saints to intercede in helping them grow in virtues that seem to need particular work in their lives. Another good thing to do that I learned from a talk on Catholic parenting is to offer the sufferings you experience from your child's misbehavior as a penance for that particular bad behavior they exhibited. This merits grace for your child to help conquer and fight that particular sin or vice.
Sometimes, when it feels appropriate, we'll pray together, asking forgiveness and grace. In fact, the other day, I asked Joey to just kneel down and pray with me after a little tiff. He didn't really want to but then he did. I prayed a short simple prayer asking God to forgive me and help me to discipline more patiently and to bless Joey. I thanked God for Joey and told the Lord how much joy Joey brings me. It was only myself who was the repentant sinner in that case because my reaction was unnecessary and wrong. He looked over, smiled at me, and gave me a hug after we prayed. It was something I felt called to do so that he would see my sincerity in trying to be faithful to God, but sometimes failing and needing God's help.
These types of actions, in time I hope, will help build the bond of our family life and help our children to see that we are in this journey together and not out to "get them" or "lord it over them..."
...I hope it reminds them that we as a family are all sinners struggling to become saints.
A couple great resources I learned some of these things from:
Parenting with Grace: The Catholic Parents' Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids by Dr. Greg & Lisa Popcak
Common Pitfalls of Catholic Parents by Fr. Ripperger