"Behold, I make all things new."
Revelation 21:5
I write this specifically for those who feel drawn to live their lives for a greater and nobler purpose; I write it for those who are feeling drawn back to the Lord after the realization that perhaps they haven't been living various parts of their lives in the way God wants. I write this for those people who recognize this inner longing, who are feeling God's gentle nudges, but perhaps feel discouraged at the place they are at in their lives and wonder "How can I ever begin again with God?"
Let me tell you something, you can.
First, it's a grace given by God that you are sensing the pull of His "bands of love."
Know that God's love for you is great, indeed. So great is His love that He wants to share it with you forever, for all eternity. It is precisely because of His love for you that He wants to pick you up out of the mud of sin and cleanse you. He knows He has made you for greater things, for a life of perfect love, joy, peace, and virtue....you are now just recognizing this. Thank and praise God for this.
Second, since you hear His voice through this deep longing, you have a choice to respond to it. Burying and ignoring it is just the same as saying no. Say yes, like our Lady did when the Angel appeared to her announcing that she'd be the chosen Mother of our Lord. Say yes to God and walk forward with our Lady. She knows exactly what it means to say "Yes" to God in a very big way and have no clue what lies up the road ahead.
Third, tell the Lord you want to surrender everything to Him and He will take it from there, working out the nooks and crannies as you go. This includes even your sins...ALL of them. The Lord will work on them one by one and He will lovingly be with you.
I want to recount to you an inspiring story of St. Jerome:
After many years spent in Jerusalem translating the Word of God, Jerome finished his grand project just days before Christmas. To celebrate his accomplishment, Jerome decided to spend Christmas Eve in nearby Bethlehem, in one of the many grottoes that dot the countryside. According to the ancient account, sometime around midnight Jesus appeared to him, saying “Jerome, what will you give me for my birthday?”
Immediately and enthusiastically, Jerome declared, “Lord, I give you my translation of your Word.” But instead of congratulating him, Jesus simply replied, “No, Jerome, that is not what I want.”
Jerome was speechless. Then he began to complain and remonstrate with Jesus, asking why he had let him go on for forty years, far from home, laboring at something other than what God most wanted from him. But Jesus remained silent. Jerome started suggesting other ways of honoring Jesus’ birthday – fasting, becoming a hermit, giving his possessions to the poor. To each of these Jesus replied, “No. Jerome. That is not what I want most.”
Finally, Jerome protested, “Then you tell me, Lord. Tell me what would give you the most joy on your birthday, and you shall have it.
“Do you promise, Jerome?”
“Yes, Lord, anything at all.”
Jesus replied, “Give me your sins…”
Yes, Jesus, the King of kings, God Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth and the entire universe. Jesus, the One who merely has to will something and it happens; the one whom "at His name, every knee should bend of those in heaven and on earth and under the earth" wants nothing but the scum, filth, and mess in our lives. How is it that Someone of such great power, might, and majesty could want nothing but the darkest and filthiest areas of who we are? It is because of love. A radical, incomprehensible love for you.
Also, when you lay everything before the Lord, don't overthink every possibility, every future path your life could possibly take if you suspect things might be different in some ways. Don't expect shocking, radical changes all the time either. Why? One, it will create unnecessary anxiety in you. This anxiety the devil will manipulate into fear so that he can freeze you in your tracks and make you dissipate in your spiritual life. And two, it's impossible to fathom all the ways God can accomplish His will. Just entrust it to Him and be at peace.
"Yet just as from the heavens
the rain and snow come down
And do not return there
till they have watered the earth,
making it fertile and fruitful,
Giving seed to the one who sows
and bread to the one who eats,
So shall my word be
that goes forth from my mouth;
It shall not return to me empty,
but shall do my Will,
achieving the end for which I sent it.
Yes, in joy you shall go forth,
in peace you shall be brought home"
~ Isaiah 55:10-12
Fourth, as soon as you can, make no delay and go to the Sacrament of Confession. Seek God's forgiveness from those mortal and serious sins that have destroyed the life of grace. Start over. Here, in this Sacrament, God makes all things new, cleanses your soul, and gives you the graces necessary to grow closer to Him.
Fifth, know that when you choose to live for God, a war is waged against you. A spiritual war.
“When an unclean spirit goes out of someone, it roams through arid regions searching for rest but, finding none, it says, ‘I shall return to my home from which I came.’ But upon returning, it finds it swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and brings back seven other spirits more wicked than itself who move in and dwell there, and the last condition of that person is worse than the first.”
~ Luke 11:24-26
Our Lord gives us insight on a battle strategy of the devil here: That when a person returns to God, the devil is not happy about this. When a person begins to get their soul in order, Satan realizes that the chances of dragging your soul to hell are beginning to diminish. So, he wages war, trying to throw stronger temptations your way; trying to make you feel unworthy, trying to instill fear in you - fear of this change, fear of that happening, and so on and so forth. He'll try to distract you from your prayer time, he'll try to get you to put off praying, to put off going to confession, to put off heading back to Mass. He'll try to make you feel like this is just too hard for you, that you should give it up, etc...
Don't let your heart be troubled, push those temptations aside, and keep your eyes on the Lord. In the times where you may feel troubled, go right to God and tell Him your struggle. Then ask for the grace to be faithful and carry you through.
Sixth, PERSEVERE IN PRAYER. This is crucial and necessary for your salvation. Set a daily prayer time and don't let distractions deter you from it (unless your state in life requires you attend to some duty...i.e. Don't be late to your job because you're praying or don't neglect tending to your children because you're praying). Set a reasonable length of time for your prayer so you aren't tempted to "give up" and cut it short. Try 15 minutes. If not that, 10 minutes in the morning, maybe 5 minutes at night. As you grow, you'll naturally want to increase this time because your love for God will grow and no better time could be spent than spending it with the One whom you love! St. Alphonsus Liguori lamented over how many do not reach the heights of holiness all because of slothfulness in prayer. Yet you are most certainly called to the heights of holiness. "Holiness is not the privilege of a few, it is the duty of all," said Blessed Mother Teresa. Don't be lazy and don't give up.
"All saints began their conversion by prayer, and through prayer they persevered. All the damned were lost because they neglected prayer."
~ St. John Vianney
If you are slacking in your prayer life, or beginning to skip your daily prayer:
"There is no other remedy for this evil of giving up prayer than to begin again; otherwise the soul will gradually lose more each day."
~ St. Teresa of Avila
Finally, the last one: Humility. Oh how we desperately need humility! Virtue and prayer without humility are but false illusions. St. Teresa says humility is truth. One of the definitions of humility is that it is a living of our lives in accordance with the truth. This means that we need to be honest and sincere in following God, humbly desiring to 1) learn the truth about our Faith and 2) live the truth. Many deprive themselves of salvation because they don't want to know the truth about how they should live their life. They may either deny something is wrong, or try to justify it, bending the truth and twisting it into a falsity. With humility, one will desire God's ways...no matter the cost. They trust God knows better than they do. Let me tell you something: When the Lord brings some kind of hidden fault of yours to light, or some kind of hidden sin you previously didn't know about, or a past wound, He is so incredibly gentle and tender with you about it. He is thus so when He sees a heart sincerely and earnestly striving to be united to Him and live completely for His glory - when we do the best we genuinely can. You will know when He reveals something to you and it will actually bring you a greater freedom and peace. When those things come to light - be it sins or whatever - surrender it to God and from then on strive to avoid the sin. But you must be humble and desire to know those things which hold you back from God. He will reveal them to you gently and lovingly and when He knows you are ready...it's not like He's going to come hit you with a lightning bolt and you are going to be thrown into panic mode, running around freaking out.
On an end note, I'd like to further refer you to this website, spiritualdirection.com, because it's fantastic in guiding you in the spiritual life and your growth in holiness and love of God. It will help you understand more about "methods" of praying, the various levels of prayer, and so on.
You will be in my prayers!
"Arise, make haste, my love, my dove, my beautiful one, and come."
- Song of Songs 2:10