Again, I ponder in amazement at another reason our Lord commands us to become like little children to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
"Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3-4)
It is a command: Unless you become like...you will not enter...
And what virtue does our Lord specifically correlate to being child-like? Humility.
Humility allows one to be docile, teachable, corrected, and guided. And young children have a most beautiful humility. Are they perfect in this virtue? No. (As we can see from stubborn resistance sometimes, or tantrums of the sort). But far easier it is to teach and correct a little child than an adult who has had a whole lifetime of building up habitual patterns of pride (unless they were wise and continuously working to counteract this vice with practices of humility). But even so, the docility and humility of a child is something that stands above the rest, otherwise, our Lord would not have directed our attention to a little child in this regards.
So again, I am convicted. When is it best to start guiding our children building habits of virtue? When they are young! From the first moment you can begin to sense they understand "yes" and "no."
What is virtue?
The Catechism of the Catholic Church gives a beautiful definition:
A virtue is an habitual and firm disposition to do the good. It allows the person not only to perform good acts, but to give the best of himself. The virtuous person tends toward the good with all his sensory and spiritual powers; he pursues the good and chooses it in concrete actions. (CCC #1803)
Virtue, as defined by the late Father John Hardon, is "a good habit that enables a person to act according to right reason enlightened by faith."
So virtue is two things here:
1. A habit.
Habits are born out of a repetitive action. Habits, as we know, can be good or bad. Picking your nose is a bad habit (so stop doing it). The more we do an action, the more we will continue to do it and the harder it is to stop or break. So obviously, the kind of actions we want to "cement" into our childrens' hearts, mind, bodies, and souls are virtuous actions.
2. Virtue is submitted to right reason enlightened by faith.
Our reason must be guided by Faith - what Scripture and the Church teach us. For example, prayer is a good virtue. However, when a parent uses the excuse to pray and neglects his duties to work and his family, that virtue of prayer is not submitted to right reason enlightened by what our Faith teaches us. For our faith tells us that if anything hinders the duty of one's state in life, it is not rightly ordered and something must be done about that. The same could be said of children who, absorbed in all sorts of other activities, neglect their responsibility toward God, their family or school. We know by faith that when we perform a good action with the intention of hoping to be seen or applauded, that it spoils the merit we would gain and becomes vain. Our Lord does not want us to be proud of these things and he admonishes us against this desire for human praise; the spiritual man knows that any good he has in himself is from God alone.
This is why it is so important to know our Catholic faith as parents: So that we can form our children in the virtues which will get them to heaven. Often we teach our children about sharing and being kind. This is good! Yet what about sacrifice, detachment (ridding ourselves of attachments to the things of this world that do not lead us toward a greater love for God), poverty of spirit, humility, self-denying love and so on? We should not neglect these either!
St. Thomas Aquinas says that virtue does two things to a person:
1. It makes the person who has the virtue good. That is, it perfects him and causes the faculties of the soul (emotions, passions/appetities, will, intellect, etc..) to be rightly ordered and directed toward the end which they're supposed to be: love of God.
2. Virtue inclines the person toward good action and inclines them to do the right thing at the right moment.
A consequence of original sin...
Unfortunately, one of the consequences of original sin is that we are typically inclined to sin, to take the easy way out, to avoid suffering for what is right, to avoid that which is hard or arduous, etc...
You can see what a threat our modern culture is to true progress in the spiritual life. Everything around us is catered toward ease, convenience, instant gratification and luxury. These conveniences, while not bad in and of themselves, threaten our spiritual lives because they can easily habituate in us patterns of vice such as self-pleasure, self-centeredness, a distaste and avoidance for that which is hard or arduous, etc. if we are not conscious about fighting against these vices. Along with that threat from our culture is the other threat: In our culture today, evil is often posed as good and good as evil. This is why virtue needs to be enlightened by faith. We look around and see entire industries in our world dedicated to the evils of pornography, abortion, contraception, immodest and impure movies and songs, immodest fashions and profane speech, blaspheming of the name of our Lord, etc... We see fornication, sexual relations before marriage, as acceptable and good. We see - as law of the land - same-sex "marriage" as a so-called right and one who opposes it (something good) as a bigot (something "evil").
"Woe! to those who call evil good and good evil.
Who change darkness to light and light into darkness,
who change bitter to sweet and sweetness into bitter!"
- Isaiah 5:20
These are the dark times we live in though. When we are saturated by a culture which touts evil as good and good as evil, it is no wonder that the formation of virtue in our children must begin when they are young; even from when they can tell the difference between "yes" and "no." We need to begin forming and cementing in our children these habits of virtue beginning when they are young and to when they mature into adult life so that they can be a light to the darkness of our world, be vigilant against the temptations of our world, discern the lies disguised as "good," and give glory to God Who draws all peoples to the saving love of Christ.
Building the habits of virtue...
So as we see, by our fallen nature, we are typically inclined to sin and do the wrong thing. We're inclined to vent out on a rage rather than temper our anger with meekness; we're inclined to lash out in impatience rather than practice patience at a mere five minute hold-up in the grocery line. We're inclined to speak ill of someone who offends us rather than keep silent and offer it to God as an act of humility. See how difficult practicing virtue is? Whoever said Christianity is a crutch has got it all backwards! Yet, we need not dismay because with our good will and God's grace, we can grow in these virtues. And so can our children.
Think of it this way too: If we do not begin making a conscious effort to form our children in virtue, they will be formed by the opposite vices of the world. If our holy Faith does not form them, surely the world will. And what the world has to offer is nothing but habits and sins that direct them to hell. These sinful vices, the longer we go without teaching our children how to cure themselves of them, will become more cemented and ingrained into our child's character, which means they become harder to break. Anything is possible with God, praise Him! So never think anything is impossible! But fifteen years of a habit of sin becomes a lot harder to break than one or two. The earlier, the better. That's another reason why I firmly believe we must make a conscious effort as parents to begin forming our children in virtue from the moment we sense they can understand "yes" and "no" and that we do this in age-appropriate ways.
So how shall we build those virtues in our children? Here's a few ideas; please share if you have more!
1. Encourage repeated acts of virtue that are opposite of the specific vice
The typical remedy recommended by the spiritual writers is to practice the virtue that is opposite of the vice or sin. By constant acts of the virtue, it will build a habit in our child which will, in time, incline them toward doing the good; and not only that, but it will make doing what is right easier, due to the virtuous habit that's been acquired after repeated acts. So for instance, if a child tends to lie, they must then focus their efforts on telling the truth. If a child seems too possessive and finds it hard to share, the parent should guide him in generosity and sacrifice. It may be helpful to point out opportunities for them to practice that virtue, as they may not always think of it on their own in the beginning. "Mmmmm John-Paul, what yummy fruit snacks! Could you make a sacrifice for Jesus by giving some to Teresa and Joseph?" (We should also emphasize that the reason we do these good things is for God, rather than some kind of temporal reward or self-satisfaction. We must pray for a pure intention, which would be to do all things out of a love for God; and it would do well to get them associated with this motive of doing things "for Jesus" or "out of love for God" from when they're young). Then, affirm them in that. Children respond well to this and need this when they are young. "Aw, John-Paul, what a beautiful rose you gave to Mary by doing that." "Good job Joseph. You are building up your treasure in heaven" (Read the parable Matthew 6:19-21). Remember, as St. Teresa of Avila once wrote, "Everything but holiness soon comes to an end." What she meant was that only our virtues that we've adorned our soul with will last after death; if we do not work on virtue through prayer and good works, we will not become holy. I will tell you what, children have a funny way, more often than not, of making virtue look easier to do than I myself would!
2. Pray and fast/offer penances for your child
As a reminder, we as parents need to be praying and fasting or offering penances for these things for our children the whole time through. If you see your child is struggling in some particular vice (sin), pray each day not only for him to stop, but to then grow in the opposite virtue of that vice. And remember, Jesus said some demons can only be cast out by prayer and fasting. So some struggles and sins our children go through might require the need to fast and offer penances for them to overcome them. This is something often neglected.
Also, ask for the intercession of the Blessed Mother and his/her patron saint as well. Even when you see the incident happen, pray then at that moment in your heart for your child and demonstate to him afterwards the proper virtue, in whatever way is fitting for the circumstances (if it is fitting at that time at all - use prudence and discernment).
3. Affirm virtuous behavior.
Always look for affirming their acts of virtue (being kind, being responsible, their integrity, being sacrificial, etc...) more than you speak about their faults. Scripture tells us, "Fathers, provoke not your children to indignation, lest they be discouraged." Meaning, if we always harp on our children for things, they'll begin to feel angered or annoyed about the unfair treatment and eventually lose heart on pursuing the virtue and holiness. No one becomes perfect overnight! We must remember how patient the Lord is with us!
4. Teach your child how to ask God's forgiveness for sins committed and for the grace to overcome it. Teach them to be specific too.
We must also be teachers of God's mercy and forgiveness. We must forgive our children, we must ask for their forgiveness at times, and we must teach them how to seek God's forgiveness (either after the incident happened, when it seems appropriate, or later that evening in an examination of conscience). Remember, young children are so humble; they don't really get embarassed when, in doing an examination of conscience at night, that from time to time you gently remind them of a sin they did earlier that day and need to ask God forgiveness for. But again, use your mommy/daddy intuition about it and don't harp on it as if it's a second punishment. And don't do this every. single. time. Let them try to recall something on their own.
Here's a recent example. And I only share this because, for myself, I find that concrete examples are really helpful; so perhaps you will find this concrete example illustrative:
We were trying to gather for our family night prayer and John-Paul just would not leave his toy alone to join us. So, I took the toy away and he proceeded to have a fit, despite the numerous warnings and invitations to join us. So, Bill stayed to pray with the rest of the kids while I carried a flailing three-year-old off to his room to pray separately with him. First, I calmed him down. I told him his toy was on his dresser (oh the concern over where the toy was!) but that he could not have it until tomorrow since he did not want to follow our directions. I held him in my lap for a couple minutes and gently but firmly explained that when we gather for prayer, he must put his toys down or he will lose the toy and be brought to bed. Then I held him another minute and gave him a kiss and big squeeze and said,
"Ok, are you calm now?"
"Mhm."
"Are you ready to pray together?"
"Mhm." (And he was; his mood had quickly passed. Oh the sanguine temperment!)
So I lovingly wrapped my arms around him on my lap and gave him a kiss (he's Mr. Snuggles, let me tell you!), folded his hands together in mine and we began to pray. We began with an examination of conscience:
"John-Paul, can you think of any way which you may have sinned today? If you can, tell Jesus and ask Him to forgive you and for His help to not do that sin anymore."
He started praying, "Jesus, please forgive me for not following directions and help me to serve others and not hit and play nicely."
Wow. I was kind of shocked and in awe of what a beautiful prayer that was...and all he remembered too! Don't we doubt ourselves sometimes as parents? But they learn so much; we must just be consistent, gentle and loving as we teach our children. They'll catch on. (And please, don't let me fool you. I wish I could always be this graceful when I discipline my children...this incident was purely God's grace...)
Sometimes, if they can't think of anything to ask God's forgiveness for (but you know certainly he hit his sister...), then just let it be. They'll learn in time as you do this gently and lovingly. But keep in mind we need to teach them the way of perfection through asking God's forgiveness of sins, His grace to not sin anymore and grow in that opposite virtue.
In regards to specificity, we need to lovingly teach them to name the sin. "Forgive me for my sin" does not make us as conscious of our need for God's grace and mercy as "Forgive me for hitting my brother and telling a lie" does. Then we teach them, "Jesus, help me use my body to help others, not hurt them; and help me always tell the truth." Or however you want to put it. We see this not only obtains God's forgiveness, but humbly begs for the grace to conquer that sin by replacing it with virtue.
Sometimes, it's a good example for us as parents to do this with our children by asking God's forgiveness for a way we may have sinned that day (for example, losing your temper and yelling). It reminds children that it's not you against them but us together toward God. We're all in this together, trying to help each other get to heaven. We're all sinners struggling to become saints!
5. Model virtue yourself.
Children are incredible imitators. You will find that children are great mirrors of.....your bad habits. Sometimes, you don't even realize a bad example you're giving until you see it in your child. I'll never forget when I started hearing Joseph say "watch out" as his way of asking us to move out of the way. It sounded so rude! Yet, I realized, this was the way I typically asked him to move out of the way. Talk about embarassing! Sometimes you just don't realize the example you're giving in front of children and we make take that for granted. Needless to say, from that point on I began making a conscious effort to ask him the polite way... Perhaps you catch your child using a profane word....do you do that? Perhaps in a moment of anger they use the Lord's name in vain...do you do that?
Modeling virtue is easier said than done! But do your best. Pick your most predominant fault and begin working on it through prayer and repeated actions of the opposite virtue.
This was a bit longer than I intended, so I'm going to wrap up here. But let us be conscious of building up habits of virtue in our children so that they may become the saints God has intended them to be!
"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it."
~ Proverbs 22:6