So, this is for all of us here...because honestly, who really lives in a perfect family?
Every single one of us is a sinner, broken and fallen in some way or another. When we realize that and then face the fact that we live a culture that promotes brokenness - sin - then we're going to be facing more struggles within our families than we'd want.
Living in a time that promotes brokenness
We are in a critical time in human history where we see the very foundation of marriage and the family being torn apart and undermined. It's so tragic to see that we are at a place in human history where brokenness is settled for, rather than the good, true and beautiful strived for...and encouraged. What we see in our culture is an inversion of God's good and beautiful plan for marriage and the family: The encouragement and promotion of brokenness, sinful actions and objectively sinful relationships. Instead of rising out of them to strive to place oneself within God's will, we either settle, make excuses about beginning the journey to true freedom and peace in Christ, or wrongly think that our situation is impossible to come out of, much moreso impossible to arrive at a place that places us safely under the refuge of God's wings and within His Will.
Do not settle. Know that "nothing is impossible with God." We must be convicted that the saving power and love of Christ is immensely more powerful than the weight of sin and the destruction and separation that sin causes. We must be convicted that whatever is wrong within our families and marriages, that whatever struggle one is going through, that this is exactly why Christ came: to redeem. Praise God!
Second, there are things we can do on our part, to lead ourselves and our spouses and families back towards God and his most beautiful plan for the family. I will get to that in a bit.
God's plan for the family
What is this plan? Families are called to be an image of the communion of love found within the Blessed Trinity. "Families become what you are!" the then Pope John Paull II exhorted us. He also explained in his beautiful document on the Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World, Familiaris Consortio:
...in God's plan it [the family] has been established as an "intimate community of life and love," the family has the mission to become more and more what it is, that is to say, a community of life and love, in an effort that will find fulfillment, as will everything created and redeemed, in the Kingdom of God. Looking at it in such a way as to reach its very roots, we must say that the essence and role of the family are in the final analysis specified by love. Hence the family has the mission to guard, reveal and communicate love, and this is a living reflection of and a real sharing in God's love for humanity and the love of Christ the Lord for the Church His bride. [My emphasis added]
How amazing is the family as God created it! We are made to be a living reflection of the love found within the Blessed Trinity! What a dignity the family has! "Families, become what you are!" And, if a couple is married within the Catholic Church, it is by the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony that we actually participate in this divine exchange of love! Our marriages are elevated up into the very life of the Blessed Trinity. How beautiful and so incredibly rich and deep beyond what we can comprehend! Yet, unfortuantely, our sinfulness and lack of faith often blocks us from understanding this incredible dignity as well as enjoying the immense graces of it all.
Yet, if we can grasp this truth by faith, we can see why it is that the devil, the Father of Lies, is so violently using all his powers to destroy marriage and the family and to also deceive our world into embracing counterfeits of marriage and love as well as leading us to embrace the brokenness of families as a cultural norm. Because a thing is common does not mean it should be the normal. We can see that the reason the devil wants to distort and destroy marriage and the family is really because he wants to take a blow at the Blessed Trinity. Why? Because, remember, the family is called in a unique way to mirror and reflect the Blessed Trinity. Satan hates this.
Falling short within our own families
More likely than not, we're experiencing things within our own families which lead us to fall short, in some way or another, of God's plan. Perhaps a marriage is going through a struggle; perhaps one is concerned about a spouse or something a child has become involved with. Perhaps one is trying to live faithfully to God and conform their life to Him but it is not so with their spouse and/or children who maybe have no interest. We want one ideal, but reality is presenting us with another. How do we move towards God's ideal for marriage and the family? Is this impossible?
Absolutely not, thank the Lord! Again, we must ask ourselves if we are truly convicted of God's power over this. Before I suggest a few practical ways to move us towards God's Holy Will and Divine Plan for our families, it's just as important to be aware of some things that are likely to discourage and dissuade us in this journey.
Things to be aware of in our journey towards God's plan for our family and our marriage
The world we live in really makes spiritual progress difficult. There are a few things I want to highlight that will try to impede us.
#1 We live in an "instant gratification" culture. Anything we want, we want it now. Fast food, fast wireless connection, fast customer service, fast news headline blips, etc, etc.. We want everything at the push of a button or the snap of a finger. Our culture has conditioned us for instant gratification. This has affected us more deeply than we think, as I have learned. When such a "condition" is embedded into our everyday lives, it makes patience and fortitude that much harder. The Catechism explains that fortitude is the moral virtue that ensures firmness in difficulties and constancy in the pursuit of the good. It strengthens the resolve to resist temptations and to overcome obstacles in the moral life. The virtue of fortitude enables one to conquer fear, even fear of death, and to face trials and persecutions. It disposes one even to renounce and sacrifice his life in defense of a just cause...Christ says, "In the world you have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world" (CCC #1808).
You need to remember that change - for ourselves and for whomever we are praying - most likely isn't going to happen overnight (although it is possible). Most likely, it may take a few months, it may take a few years, or it may even take decades. And it might be a rough and rocky journey at some points. The virtue of fortitude will help us to persevere in whatever we are asking God's help with in our lives and in the lives of our loved ones. We need to renounce the temptation to quit trying and to quit praying because it seems hard or impossible or because we're not getting the results we desired. This temptation is of the evil one. We also need to renounce the temptation to quit because things are not happening on the timetable we want. Let us not be arrogant with God.
#2 We live in a culture of "entitlement." We think we deserve things. More boldly, we think we deserve things without working for them.
Here's the plain truth: We deserve nothing.
Everything we have is a pure and freely given gift from God. God sustains your breath and life by His very Will. The only proper response to this fact is gratitude to our Lord. A sense of entitlement stems from the sin of pride and reveals, therefore, a lack of humility as well as a lack of gratitude. A sense of entitlement may lead us to think that God or His Bride, the Holy Catholic Church, owe us things, or that we should tell God or His Church what to do. It will lead us to believe that we are entitled to Holy Communion while in a state of mortal sin. How could we dare enter into a holy and intimate communion with our Lord in the Eucharist while we are in the midst of committing adultery with the devil through a persistence in mortal sin? In such a situation, the Sacrament to run to would be Confession. And although we desire Holy Communion, yet it is not possible at that moment to receive, we are still obliged to attend Mass. We could offer our inability to receive communion (due to the state of our soul in mortal sin) as a penance and out of respect and reverence of our Lord in the Holy Eucharist. But make headway to the Sacrament of Confession as soon as possible, for we never know when our earthly life will end. To receive Holy Communion in a state of mortal sin is a sacrilege.
We need humility, humility, humility. We are to be faithful to the Church and the Church is to be faithful and submitted to Christ, her Head. As Scripture says, "the prayer of the humble person pierces the clouds." St. Augustine, great Doctor of the Church said, “It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels.”
We must work against this feeling of entitlement through asking God for humility and making acts of humility ourselves in our daily lives such as remaining silent when offended or not having to have the "last word." There are many more things we can do, of course.
#3 We live in a culture that is repulsed by suffering. We live in a hedonistic culture, which means one of its primary goals is the pursuit of pleasure. Anything that disturbs us, draws us out of our comfort zone, or brings inconvenience or suffering to us is to be avoided. We live in a very "soft" culture; we get caught up in the most trivial matters and build mountains out of mole hills. We simply cannot endure suffering gracefully.
As a Christian, we see suffering differently. Christ wants us to see suffering differently. It is through Christ's own suffering that He sanctified suffering and made it a means of holiness and salvation. Now, we don't desire suffering for its own sake - that is disordered in and of itself. But we embrace it for what it does to us, namely, that it unites us with Christ more deeply and has the capacity to sanctify our soul and the souls of others and conform us to Christ. As St. Paul said, "For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ, and him crucified." I know this may seem gloomy, but it's not. Because when we unite with Christ crucified through our suffering, we also unite with the entire Paschal mystery, which includes what followed the crucifixion: Jesus' resurrection and glory. We experience the entire paschal mystery of Christ within ourselves - His Passion, death, and resurrection - when we embrace our suffering and unite it with Him. This is an incredible thing! By uniting our suffering with Christ's redemptive act on the Cross, it effects in our souls and the souls of others whom we are offering it for, the fruits of Christ's action on the Cross: His saving grace and life within us. This is why Christians, amidst great suffering, can still experience peace and joy! This is the secret to suffering gracefully.
If we understand this, we will come to value mortifications and penances such as fasting and acts of self-denial. We will strive to do these things regularly, even if they cause us discomfort or suffering, because we know the effects that it will bring: God's grace and strength in our souls and the souls of our loved ones for whom we offer these things for. And these mortifications need not always be sought out because many come to us throughout our daily way of life: Restraining the tongue, forgoing your own plans for another need at that moment, etc...
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me" (Matthew 16:24). Christ invokes us towards self-denial and the way of the cross.
9 things to do when you're not like the Holy Family (but really want to be a holy family)
1. This is a journey and a journey that can only begin when we ourselves have the mindset and resolve to leave behind every sin and evil we have attached ourselves to. "We must all set ourselves in opposition through a conversion of mind and heart, following Christ Crucified by denying our own selfishness: such a conversion cannot fail to have a beneficial and renewing influence even on the structures of society. What is needed is a continuous, permanent conversion which, while requiring an interior detachment from every evil and an adherence to good in its fullness, is brought about concretely in steps which lead us ever forward" (Familiaris Consortio par 9).
Are you resolved to begin and continue your own personal conversion towards the Lord and trust that He will guide you as you go, not worrying about details or how some sticky situations will get worked out?
2. Pray. "Ask and it will be given unto you" our Lord said. "Pray without ceasing," St. Paul tells us. Acknowledge that you realize something is not right, that there is a struggle or fault in your spouse or children. Yet, don't stop there. Bring this right to the Lord and tell Him what it is. Then, tell Him how you feel about it. Finally, tell Him your desire for the situation (i.e. that some sin stop, that your spouse starts going to Mass with you, etc...) God is amazing, He will work things out. God can have amazing ways of accomplishing His will. You must trust Him and let Him guide you as you persevere in prayer. But whatever you do, don't stop praying. St. Monica prayed for over 20 years for her son's conversion, St. Augustine. (And St. Augustine lived a very depraved moral life, might I add). And he is now one of the greatest saints of all time!
3. Be patient. Again, back to that concept of fighting instant gratification. God will accomplish His will in the time He sees is best for that person's soul and also your own soul and sanctification. His Will in His time.
It's also important to be patient with the loved one you're praying for, be they spouse or children or parents and the like. One temptation as you pray for your family member is to get frustrated with them: "Why aren't they coming around?" "Why aren't they praying with me?" "Why isn't he doing more to lead our family closer to God?" "Why is she still doing this??" If one does not catch these sound bytes in their thoughts, they are likely to build up within oneself as frustration and eventually, come out of their mouth at the person. Our Lord told us that from the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks. If we don't bring these things immediately to God, they will build up in our hearts and we will speak them in frustration or irritation. This will only move our loved one away from what you are hoping and praying for. It can impede God's work. Be patient and merciful; God is patient and merciful with us.
4. Fast and offer penances. Fast on Fridays - the day of our Lord's passion and death - for them by sacrificing a meal and not having snacks in between so that you feel the pangs of hunger. Offer your daily inconveniences as penances for them. Fasting and penance makes our prayer more efficacious before God, as our Lord told us.
5. Invite. God's love is always an invitation; it is not forced upon us and it is not manipulated by making us feel pressured or guilty or degraded. So don't do these things to the loved one you're praying for. Don't make them feel guilty for what they're not doing or for what they should be doing. Don't harp on it. Don't pressure them to do what you want them to do, even if it be a good and noble thing. Don't degrade them for their faults or sins. Don't give guilt trips.
Do not misread this; it is important to convey how you feel and to communicate. But this should be done gracefully and in a composed way. Perhaps you want them to go to Mass with you or do something with you more. Invite them. But if they say no, be detached from their response; don't roll your eyes or huff and puff. Just cheerfully say, "Ok" and move along.
6. Love them. No matter what they're going through, every person needs to be loved. Look for ways to serve them. I recommend listening to the conversion story of Johnette Benkovich, it's very inspiring! She was a revert back to her Catholic faith. However, she explains how her and her husband's "coming home" didn't happen at the same time and how she dealt with that, good and bad. Essentially, it came down to her "getting out of the way" and letting God do His work. She felt so anxious to move her husband along a certain path that she would put guilt trips on him or pressure him and get frustrated. It actually lead to a very rocky point in their marriage. Then she had an epiphany where she realized she just had to serve and love her husband. This is what won him over eventually and lead to his conversion...not all the badgering.
7. When you mess up, be humble about your mistake and apologize. If you get angry, apologize. If you exchange unkind words, say sorry. Scripture tells us to never let the sun set on our anger (Ephesians 4:26-27). We should never go to bed angry at our spouse or someone in our family. When we do, this leaves room for the devil to make way. He constructs false lies and connections off of the agitated emotions and only builds these angered feelings up within. Humble yourself. This will "win over" your loved one as they will see your sincerity and genuinity.
8. Don't be so focused on what they're NOT doing that you "forget to remove the beam from your own eye." Focus on your own relationship with God first. Focus on removing your own sins first. When you are tempted to muse over all that your spouse or family member are or aren't doing, bring that directly to the Lord and tell Him. But then move that focus to yourself and what you should be doing to remove your own sins and grow closer to God. In fact, the more you notice the defects in your loved one, the more you should double down on your own prayer and sacrifices.
"Why do you notice the splinter in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove that splinter from your eye,’ while the wooden beam is in your eye? You hypocrite, remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother’s eye."
- Matthew 7:3-5
The more we seek God first, rather than trying to "fix" everything, the more we will see how God will take care of these other things Himself, in His own way. Perhaps through you, perhaps through other ways. Criticze yourself first rather than your loved one.
9. Seek the counsel of a wise and holy priest. It's important that the priest be in union with the teachings of the Catholic Church because sadly today, some are not. We must pray for our priests every day. If you feel it's necessary, say perhaps you are dealing with something bigger, it is wise to seek our the counsel of a good and solid priest. They will be able to lead you in a way which is in union with God's Holy will and in conformity with the teachings of Christ so that you do not veer off on the wrong path.
In time, when we commit to doing these things, we will see the fruit of our prayer. You will see how God has taken care of the matter because He loves you and loves the one for whom you pray. Each family and each family member has their own struggles; we get downhearted about the way things are or are not. But fear not and do not be discouraged for nothing is impossible with the Lord. Praise be Jesus Christ, now and forever.
"He shall cry to me, and I will hear him. I am with him in tribulation, I will deliver him, and I will glorify him."
- Psalm 91:15