Being a little more than five weeks away from my due date, there's been a lot going through my head as we prepare to embrace this new gift from God and start up a new homeschool year with our two oldest boys. We're one week in and so far, besides chaotic moments here and there, it's been a smooth introduction. It's a phase in our family life that tempts me to anxiety about the future and the ability to "handle it all" - raising five young children, homeschooling, spending time with my husband for the deepening and strengthening of our own marriage, nursing a baby, keeping order and cleanliness in the home (I'm a rather neat, type-A personality!), cooking and daily laundry, and above all, instilling a love for our Lord through it all while maintaining my own prayer life to continue to grow closer to Him.
Yet if there's one theme that emerges more and more clearly through my motherhood, it's this: "I can't."
Five children is new to us. It seems like a lot. It is. It will have its challenges. And God-willing, our family will continue to grow according to God's perfect plan for us. But there's something Bill and I often remind ourselves: We weren't given this all at once; we were "stretched" to this over time. And I'm grateful for that because we can see how the Lord has been "working on us" (and with us!) through it all.
But those two words: "I can't." So powerful. And I've come to understand over time that there's a difference between intellectually knowing that without God we can do nothing - I've known this for years since my conversion - and then actually experiencing that in deeper degrees as time goes by. This is what the Lord wants me to understand as He gives us a bigger family, with multiple things happening at once, children to teach and littler ones to tend to....at the same time. I can't do it all. We pray every day together as a family with a desire that they'll one day take this Faith as their own and choose to love God by their own choice...but it's rarely a beautiful, picture-perfect practice! Staggering homeschool schedules while also creating time in the day for other important character-building things like taking charge of responsibilities around the home, having leisure time to play, making time to read good books, keeping up with consistent discipline (so exhausting sometimes!!), gathering with their friends, letting the older boys join in working with their father and his lawncare business, discipling the kids in how to handle situations in a Christ-like way, teaching them about prayer and the ways of our Lord, and it goes on!
How do I do this Lord???
I can't. I can't do it all.
And thank God for that. I am sure that I would be more tempted to self-reliance and independence apart from God due to my more organized, type-A personality. If God had not chosen the path for me and my husband that He did in regards to our growing family, perhaps I'd deceive myself into thinking that "I got this." It would rob me of that deeper intimacy with God that I'm called to - that we're all called to.
It's a humbling thing because I lack that humility and complete dependence.
And so, when the whirlwind of doubts and fears and anxiety begin to try to swirl around in my head, I pay no attention to them anymore and surrender them right over to the Lord, trusting ever-more deeply that He will lead me and show the way. More than ever do I believe that rather than me figuring everything out about everything right there on the spot (which is always so stressful, yet tempting to do), that if I give those questions and concerns right over to the Lord and "let it be," He, somehow, in His gentleness and love always points the way. It is every so delicate and tender. It's always "just right." It always leaves us the happiest. But I have to trust and I have to be patient in letting Him show me. The temptation is for me to take control completely and right away. But if I just wait on Him, with confidence and trust, He always comes through. He always makes up for where I am lacking and He always "fills in the gaps." I see it happen over and over again. God's grace is the wealth of our family and it is all that matters. All else will fade and all else will constantly be changing, but His love endures forever.
So it's a good thing that I literally can't handle all of this because where I can't, God can.
God is my strength and the fruit I see being born of my labor as a mother is all because of Him! It leaves me in nothing but praise and thanksgiving. And so, I continue to rejoice in my weakness and inability because it thrusts me to a deeper dependence on God. My only focus
must be loving Him, it is really that simple.
I was so struck by the Words of our Lord given to Sister Consolata Betrone, a victim soul of the 20th century. It's in a book called "Words of Love." It is a simple read with many little "one-liners" you could meditate upon for days. Our Lord's words were this:
You must think only of loving Me. I will think of everything else, even to the smallest details!
Yes, God cares about everything in our lives, even down to the smallest details...